Snooki is Single Again… Yes, This is Newsworthy
You might be asking ‘who the fuck cares?’ But apparently Snickers broke up with her boyfriend, Emilio Masella, because he was piggybacking on her fame. I’m surprised she didn’t see that coming, because she always seemed like a card carrying MENSA member to me. Snooki just can’t help herself with all these tan juiceheads running around, it’s her only vice. This is big news in the world right now. Stop laughing! Come on I’m serious!
This is basically a casting call for all guidos or an opportunity for a certain friend of mine with minimal moral standards to “hit that” just for the story. Jump off that Bowflex and toss on your fiercest Affliction t-shirt and gel the shit out of your hair because fame could await you on the Jersey Shore. You could be one of the blessed few yelling on the other end of the duck phone. When you come to visit and inevitably lose Snickers at the club, only to find her grinding with five beefcakes, you can exhibit your ‘roid rage on national television. Hell it would be encouraged.
The most important thing about this news is that our first family of televised Jersey Shore debauchery will be back in our lives soon. We are about three months away from the season two premiere of Jersey Shore. I thought the show was a novelty and the characters would take their 15 minutes and fade into reality oblivion. I chose poorly. Instead they have become true celebrities. The guys partook in a sexually suggestive Terry Richardson photo shoot with Bar Refaeli (as if there is any other kind). The Situation starred in Vitamin Water commercial with David Wright, JWOW is starting a fashion line, and DJ Pauly D is basically the hottest DJ in Rhode Island state history.
It’s official, this years combination of earthquakes, volcano eruption, record amounts of rain, snow that blanketed the Mid-Atlantic, and our “beating up the beat” heroes unexplainable fame the world is officially coming to an end.
Season two of the Jersey Shore premieres July 29th.