Now that we’re saving some cash with the space shuttle program ending, we should probably invest in Greg from Raleigh and his time machine.
Yesterday, as Atlantis landed at the Kennedy Space Center, NASA’s space shuttle era came to a close after 30 years of exploration. Over the past three decades the U.S. Government has sunk hundreds of billions into the space shuttle program without much to show for it. The history of the program will probably always be marred by the two worst disasters in the history of space travel. The accidents on the Challenger in 1986 and Columbia in 2003 ended tragically and resulted in the deaths of 14 astronauts.
Ultimately, the space shuttle program never accomplished its original goal of providing a more affordable method of space travel. Atlantis’s final 13-day journey cost an estimated half billion dollars.
The entire history of the U.S. space program is a tremendous point of pride amongst Americans, as well it should be. Landing on the moon is still one of the most iconic achievements in the history of our country. However it’s hard not to consider the shuttle era as sort of a disappointment, considering the inability to accomplish its primary goal of cheaper travel and the two disastrous tragedies.
NASA is now scaling back and refocusing on a new program that plans to land man on an asteroid — hopefully not out of necessity — by 2025 and the planet Mars by 2030.
So what are the rest of us supposed to do in the meantime? What will be our next adventure to inspire the childlike sense of wonder and fill the temporary void of manned space travel?
Well, if you’re like me and believe everything you read on the Internet, we should put our faith in the capable hands of Greg from Raleigh, North Carolina. Because according to his Craigslist ad, he’s successfully invented a time machine.
TEST SUBJECT NEEDED FOR TIME MACHINE
I have successfully built a working time machine and need a human test subject that is willing to be the first person to ever travel back in time.
Due to the dimensions of the machine, you must be shorter than 6’3″ and weigh less than 230 lbs. Also, you must be male. That’s not due to the dimensions of the machine, it’s just a personal thing. I think a man should be the first to time travel, just like he was the first to fly an airplane and to walk on the moon.
The pay is $3,000 and, of course, you’ll reap the benefits of being the first person to ever travel back in time (media coverage, endorsements, etc.). You will have to sign a waiver that mainly states:
1. I am not responsible for anything that happens to you when you time travel.
2. You are forbidden from interfering in matters that would disrupt the current timeline (i.e. killing Hitler, warning Hitler about D-Day, etc.).
3. You are not allowed to travel back in time for the purposes of tearing up this waiver before it’s been signed, thereby negating this waiver you’re about to sign. I built a time machine, I’m no moron.
As far as the danger of time traveling in this machine, we sent a dog into the past yesterday and it went off without a hitch. He hasn’t yet returned, but that’s just because animals don’t know how to rendezvous. We would like for you to bring him back, if at all possible.
Lastly, you will need three personal references. I can’t take a chance sending some unscrupulous druggie into the past because you’ll mess everything up for us here in the present. The references must be male. Again, it’s just a personal thing.
If you would like to participate, call me on my cell phone at 919.824.4109.
What a sweet deal! This genius guy named Greg is even willing to
trick a potential sex slave pay a lucky American 3K to make history? Sure, he may be a tad bit sexist and I’m not entirely sure why all of his examples of screwing up the space-time continuum reference Hitler, but this totally sounds promising. As for the sexism, he might simply be influenced by the male-dominated cinematic world of time-travel.
After all, the most notable time travelers in history are Michael J. Fox in “Back to the Future,” Keanu Reeves in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” Denzel in “Deja Vu,” Mike Myers in “Austin Powers: Goldmember,” Martin Lawrence in “Black Knight,” Marky Mark/Charlton Heston in “Planet of the Apes,” all the guys in “Hot Tub Time Machine,” and most recently Owen Wilson in “Midnight in Paris.” So it’s not exactly an equal opportunity field.
I mean, he does specify that he’s not a moron, as evidenced by the fact he invented a freakin’ time machine. Personally, that’s all the reassuring I need.
What are we waiting for America? He seems trustworthy enough. Cue the Huey Lewis and the News music.
[Craigslist via Fark]