The Latest in High-Tech Military Testing: Caffeinated Beef Jerky

The problem with Monster Energy Drink has always been that it inexplicably lacks monster meat.

As you may have read last week in The Week, a little-known test lab in Natick Massachusetts, while researching new edibles for U.S. army soldiers, experimented with an exciting snack: caffeinated beef jerky—a variety of dehydrated cow flesh shaped like Slim Jims, with each serving infused with the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee.

The Natick Soldier Research, Development & Engineering Center deserves credit for finally revamping the Meals, Ready to Eat (MRE) program—as the Washington Post reported, soldiers have long complained about MREs, re-dubbing them “Meals Refused by the Enemy,” “Materials Resembling Edibles,” and “Meals Refusing to Exit.” But after reading the caffeinated beef jerky story, I walked away with one sizzling question: how soon will caffeinated Beef Jerky, the army’s version of Perky Jerky, which was recently stripped of much of its caffeine, be more widely available to the public?

I recognize that many probably find the idea disgusting: “caffeine-infused dehydrated beef” doesn’t exactly make one drool. But when it comes to the world of colon-cancer causing snack-food, caffeine-lovers who prefer savory flavors to sweet have always had to make sacrifices. Every gas station in the country has an entire sliding-door fridge dedicated to sugary energy drinks and canned coffee options, not to mention 5-hour Energy shots, caffeine-infused candies like caffeinated mints and Butterfinger Buzz—the caffeinated Butterfinger.

With the exception of Perky Jerky, a caffeine-infused meat snack which recently drew ire from the U.S.D.A., savory energy snacks are not available to civilians. Saltier snacks like tripple jalapeno potato chips and extra spicy meat sticks promise “taste explosions,” and while they might make your eyes water and your nose bleed, they don’t give you what every gas station snacker has come to expect—a sudden rush of optimism and five hours of heart palpitations.

If the Beef Jerky Jolt gets approved by the U.S.D.A. and goes mainstream, it could inspire a whole new variety of snack. Energy chips, trail-mix coated in caffeine crystals. One day Starbucks’ holiday drink menu could include a Bacon Double Latte Punch—a shot of espresso blended with a shot of bacon grease, covered with six inches of foam and sprinkle of bacon bits. Who could say no to that?

The last lifestyle gift we got from the army (other than national security) was that massive douche-mobile, the Hummer. U.S.D.A.-approved caffeinated beef-jerky would be a step up. I’m convinced that unlike Red Bull, it will give me wings. And thighs. But mostly flank.