You know how people are always griping about global warming? “Oh, it’s killing the polar bears.” “What about our shores? They’ll be washed away.” “Cough-cough, it’s so hard to breathe with all this carbon dioxide.” “Won’t someone please think of the children.” It’s so tiresome!

So next time some liberal hippie tree hugger bitches and moans about how the industrial age and insatiable human demand has ravished our planet, screwed with mother natural and destroyed our ozone, you should cite this Reuters “Nature Geoscience report” article about about a U.N. study on how carbon dioxide emissions are holding off the next ice age.

High levels of carbon dioxide emissions in the atmosphere mean the next ice age is unlikely to begin for at least 1,500 years, an article in the journal “Nature Geoscience” said on Monday.

Concentrations of the main gases blamed for global warming reached record levels in 2010 and will linger in the atmosphere for decades even if the world stopped pumping out emissions today, according to the U.N.’s weather agency.
…
Officially, the earth has been in an interglacial, or warmer period, for the last 10,000 to 15,000 years, and estimates vary on how long such periods last.

“(Analysis) suggests that the end of the current interglacial (period) would occur within the next 1,500 years, if atmospheric CO2 concentrations do not exceed (around) 240 parts per million by volume (ppmv),” the study said.

However, the current carbon dioxide concentration is of 390 ppmv, and at that level an increase in the volume of ice sheets would not be possible, it added.

With global greenhouse emissions only growing, there’s no way the world will suddenly freeze! And as the icebergs melt, it’s looking like Kevin Costner will finally be vindicated for Waterworld. We humans will never have to endure another ice age again. This is, of course, a relief.

Ice ages are no picnic. Quite the contrary. Unless you’re one of the lucky ones to make it to some isolated spot of warmth, as some researchers suggest may have happened during the last ice ages, the frosty eras are dismal, cold (obviously), desolate, soul-crushing, cold (again) and basically fucking miserable and most of us would die.

Plus, ice ages automatically bring back all the primitive creatures currently housed in museums. And you do not want to mess with those monsters. Wooly mammoths are not like tusk-less Sesame Street resident Snuffleupagus. And tender-hearted saber-tooth tiger Diego from Disney’s “Ice Age” is the exception, not the rule. Saber-tooths are more like the Marvel Comics variety, villain Sabretooth.

So, thank you, global warming! You have saved future generations of Americans the hassle of having to trudge through ice for thousands of years. Now all they have to worry about is food supply, energy supply, clean water, overpopulation, disease, famine, war and, oh, yeah, global warming.