I wish Mitt Romney’s sons were gay, especially Matthew

Mitt Romney is super rich. Like, ultra rich: most estimates put the GOP White House hopeful candidate’s wealth at about $200-250 million. And like a true, trickle-down Republican, he’s spreading some of that sweet, sweet dough to his sons: CNN reports that the former Massachusetts governor’s five male offspring share a trust fund of about $100 million.

As if that’s not attractive enough, the Romney men are all pretty easy on the eyes. Yes, I know, a gay man praising this right-wing, homophobic (and anti-abortion!) political family’s collective cheek bones and genetics is completely debased, to say the least, but I can’t help it. (I also have a heart-on for Romney’s equally despicable former spokesman, Kevin Madden. He’s fine as hell.)

Sadly, none of Romney’s sons play for my team. Not that I know of, at least, and even if they did, I’m not sure how they would take to welcoming an non-Jesus believer between the sheets. This is too bad, because the one thing a financially struggling political journalist such as myself could use right now is a wealthy scion from a political family.

The Kennedy clan would definitely be an option, but despite the fact that there are about 500 of that Catholic clan, none are openly gay. Another handsome Democrat, Beau Biden, would be an option, but, again, he’s straight, and certainly not as wealthy as the Romney spawn. (Beau’s father, poor bastard Vice President Joe Biden, has only about $735,000, which the Romneys find in their cracks — couch cracks, I mean.)

Alas, I suppose I’ll have to give up on my shameful, once-secret lusting for the Romney boys, especially the most good looking one, 39-year old Matthew (far left, swoon!), although I guess they all mostly look alike, so I would settle for any of them, except maybe Craig. Now I’ll just have to find someone I find someone who stimulates me emotionally, sexually and intellectually, though not necessarily in that order. Yes, I’ll have to settle for someone I actually love. Ain’t them the breaks?!