Bruise Cruise 2012: The Punk Rock Music Festival on a Carnival Cruise

Kyp Malone, of TV on the Radio, performing at The Bruise Cruise—the Panache-produced festival that turns a Carnival Cruise liner into a seaborne venue, complete with novelty glassware and towels twisted into animals—is a ceremony ripe for irony.

Sure, it’s not Chris Brown playing a charity event for domestic-abuse survivors, but there was enough promise for entertaining incongruity that when I received the invite for the annual Bruise Cruise outing, I was sold.

I thought I made a valiant effort to blend in, with a bikini screen printed t-shirt and air-brushed tribal neck tattoo, but my efforts were in vain—there was no mistaking me or any other Bruiser for Carnival’s regular clientele. Bruisers ended up representing about 1/4 of the boat’s attendees. And surprisingly there wasn’t much clashing.

Young families and intoxicated East Bay bartenders, all adjusting to their sea legs, waited in the same frozen yogurt line. Elderly couples smiled at King Khan as he greeted them in a doorway, likely assuming he and his feathered headpiece were among the pirates and showgirls who roam the ship to provide memorable photo opportunities. Bachelorette parties and reunited Midwestern families, on their way to formal dining, crossed paths with Bruisers filtering into the Xanadu Lounge for an early evening performance by Thee Oh Sees.

Over three days musicians such as The Togas, Fucked up and Vockah Redu played in carpeted venues of whiskey drinkers. Comedians Anna Seregina and Neal Hamburger kept the crowd smiling and a handful of professional surfers hosted an impromptu liquid brunch. All said there was something for everyone—the Captains at Panache Media delivered the goods.

But truly the best part of the adventure? When you commit to a three-day theme cruise you have openly accepted that you aren’t too cool for school. You may be Pitchfork’s darling but you will still be walking through the safety drill with the rest of ‘em—there is no hiding on a boat.

The 500ish Bruise Cruise attendees may have been cut and pasted from a Saturday night at The Commodore but in this environment they were actually talking to each other! From the moment the ship set sail the Hipster Code of Silent Treatment was ignored as people introduced themselves and shared conversation at dinner tables with strangers. I would attend next year’s cruise alone and feel completely comfortable (sans tribal tattoo of course). And I have never said that about The Commodore.

Upon returning to land I have realized the girl I was dancing wildly alongside at King Khan’s show was Karen O. Apparently it is possible to not recognize your biggest idol standing next to you, equalized by our Carnival issued terrycloth robes.There goes my pre-conception on incongruity. Now I wonder if that was Kyp Malone drinking straight out of the yogurt machine.