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Jeff Foxworthy endorses Mitt Romney, so basically we have a bunch of ‘You might be Mitt Romney!’ jokes

Mar 13, 2012

If you’ve got enough money to buy a public school system, you might be Mitt Romney.

If your haircut costs more than an illegal immigrant makes in a month, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you read the last sentence and then funded a wall from San Diego to El Paso, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you consider the robotic voice of HAL9000 passionate, you might be Mitt Romney.

If your family portrait looks like an advertisement to join the Aryan nation, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you could easily be mistaken for an older version of the guy on the Brawny paper towel packaging, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you can’t make up your mind at restaurants, clothing stores, or the senate, you might be Mitt Romney.

If the last time you cracked a real, unforced smile was during the original theatrical run of “National Lampoon’s Family Vacation,” you might be Mitt Romney.

If your “retirement fund” is as much as the annual budget for an entire developing nation, you might be Mitt Romney.

If the last time you related to the 99% was during the race to your mother’s ovary, you might be Mitt Romney.

If your childhood dream of diving into a pool full of money a la Scrooge McDuck was fully realized by age four, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you write “handshakes” off as a business expense, you might be Mitt Romney.

If the only thing solid about you is your yearly erection, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you have enough children to form a softball team, you might be Mitt Romney.

If that softball team’s sponsors are Microsoft, Coca Cola, and Chrysler, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you strapped your dog to the roof of your car and drove a thousand miles without thinking of the animals safety at all, because you can’t process empathy, you might be Mitt Romney.

If you made $160 in the time it took to read the headline of this article (3 seconds), you might be Mitt Romney. He makes $20,000,000 a year. 20mil divided by 12 is $1.7m, so he makes $1.7m a month. Divide that by 22 (the number of business day in a month, give or take), and you get $77,273, the amount of money he makes in a day. Divided $77,273 by 24. Mitt Romney makes $3,220 an hour. Divide that by 60, the number of minutes in an hour. Mitt Romney makes $53.66 every minute. Divide that by sixty and he makes about 88 cents every second of every hour of every week day.

Fuck that guy.

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