W.A.R.G.: Women Against Ryan Gosling
As it turns out, there is a growing number of women who don’t like Ryan Gosling. We posted a Craigslist ad that somehow wound up on Gawker and Videogum (hat tip to Adrien and Gabe, respectively) and we recieved a ton of email from an until-now-mute minority: women who don’t like Ryan Gosling. That’s right – there are multiple women out there who do not like the actor Ryan Gosling.
It might seem hard to believe: the heartthrob actor and star of “The Notebook” and “Drive” is one of the most coveted things on the internet since cats and pictures of food – with women the world over seemingly besmitten by that indie-boy handsome face and those leading man abs. Jesus, This article is turning into Tiger Beat. We asked everyone who emailed us to answer a short questionnaire, and these are some of the best quotes from those answers. Without further ado:
Specifically, I do not like his face. He looks manufactured. His eyes are too close together, his face is too smooth, his cheeks are too flat, his hair is too neatly coifed. Even his beard looks like it’s bored. He looks like a Hitler-youth love child of Haley Joel Osment and Chuck Norris. Also, his voice sounds contrived. It’s as though he’s trying his best to do an imitation of someone who is laid-back and fun.
- Katie H., New York
He looks like a ferret with better abs.
– Jess C., Winnipeg, Canada
D&T: What do your friends say when you tell them you don’t like Ryan Gosling?
ELANA B (Washington DC): When I tell my friends that I don’t like Ryan Gosling they usually think I’m kidding or they look at me weird. Then the conversation usually ends quickly. Interestingly, my guy friends usually want to talk about this more – they often seem to think he’s a total hottie (straight and gay) and feel confused that I don’t agree.
D&T: What specifically don’t you like about him? His acting? His looks? His voice? His interviews? Be specific.
Alice H., student at NYU, New York City: I really just don’t like the Cult of Gosling that follows him around. The myriad tumblr gifs, the shitty memes, they all add up to nothing in the long run. I also think he makes forgettable movies for an audience that lives in a 24 hour news cycle. He’s cloying and, like I said, forgettable. I’m not even physically attracted to him! He does nothing for me–the obsession with his looks just proves again to me that he provides literally nothing to art or culture. He’s a blip. His physical presence in interviews is like, the shitty late-night talk show backing band to the cult of personality surrounding his name. Which I guess makes him Lana Del Rey? I did like Lars and the Real Girl, but I haven’t seen it in 3 years and I had a really bad ear infection at the time so who knows about that. …(His voice) sounds like the guys I went to high school with– they all had this really haunting, vacant stare if you ever tried to talk to them and they would purposefully pull their shirt up to expose their weird pubescent pre-abs. That’s where his voice sends me. He’s The Yellow Wallpaper of women’s cinematic interests.
Why does every woman seem to have a hard-on for Ryan Gosling? I feel like it’s 8th grade all over again and I’ve somehow missed the celebrity attractiveness memo that instructs me to be attracted to one, if not all, of the Backstreet Boys.
– Jessica L., Toronto
I think the most annoying Gosling quality is his voice. He always sounds as if he has a slight head cold or just woke up. In my opinion, this makes him sound as if he is slow witted and dull. Those memes are the best thing that ever happened to him, because they add an intelligence to his persona that he really doesn’t have otherwise.
-Rachel M., Dover NH
D&T:What do people do when you say you don’t like Ryan Gosling? Do your friends treat you differently?
Rebecca S., Orlando FL: I’ve been subjected to countless gasps of disbelief and then a herculean effort to convert me, like I said I dislike all good and joy in the world. If only you’ll watch “The Notebook,” they say; if only you’ll read this “hey girl,” thing. Oh, and did you know Ryan Gosling is working on a cure for cancer? In fact, a large part of the reason I dislike him so virulently is because of the bullying to which I’m subjected when I say I just don’t care for him. What started as indifference has turned to hate in the face of the bullying I’ve received.
He just seems like an ottoman – you understand it has a function, but most of the time it’s just in your way.
Paula D., Seattle WA
He keeps saving people OMG, what is that, SO ANNOYING. LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE, GOSLING.
Andrea H, Philadelphia
What I find specifically off-putting about him … is his voice; it’s kind of lispy. It’s like his mouth does not want to open when he’s trying to talk, and looks like his lips are trying to escape down the back of his throat. I feel like I would get less shit from people if I said Hitler was attractive.
Linda I., Los Angeles CA
D&T: What about him don’t you like?
Erin F. H., Iowa City: I don’t find him sexy, and I resent the world trying to thrust him down my throat as a sex symbol. And yes–I’m aware plenty of women (and men) would love to have Ryan Gosling thrust down their throats. He’s just so bland. Plus I get him mixed up wtih Ryan Reynolds, who is also too bland for my tastes. Hey, I’m sure he’s a great guy, and I like that he’s got a sense of humor about himself. But I expect a little more from my stars. I want an air of untouchability. A Johnny Depp-ness, if you will. He just seems way too normal. What’s the big whoop?
He is pabulum — bland, vanilla, unthreatening, unmemorable. I think more than anything, it’s his contrived ‘Aw shucks’ demeanor. And
I just don’t like looking at him.
Lisa B., Los Angeles
I actually watched 3 of his movies back to back while flying to Buenos Aires to give him a chance. He had the same expressions in all of them, regardless of the genre of the movie.
Connie P., Miami
There are even people who are unaware of who Ryan Gosling is, as seen in this highly scientific screencap: