Guns ‘N Roses
Yes: it’s true. When Axl Rose was touring for “Appetite for Destruction” his current flame was just about being born. They were spotted leaving the Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles on Saturday night. Vomit. The 25 year age difference is… actually, honestly, fuck it, this is just awful. Hold on. Stop the tape. Just stop the tape. I’m going to just tell it like it is.
Axl. Dude. Just stop. Guns ‘N Roses hasn’t been a band since 1991. That was 21 years ago. You need to let it go, record an acoustic album, and own a winery already. Stop it with the ripped jeans, the fucking facial hair, and the big hats. You had fame and relevance and now it is gone. Get a baseball hat and some slacks. You’re embarassing yourself. Nobody bought “Chinese Democracy,” and nobody likes you anymore with the exception of the nostalgia circuit. Honestly, man, you need to adapt to these times. Watching you is like watching Mickey Rourke in the last ten minutes of The Wrestler.
And Lana. Lana! Where do I even begin? You rode in on a wave of hype so gargantuan that when the album finally dropped it wasn’t just ‘a bad album’ – it was A Bad Album Released By A Major Label Answer To ‘Who Is The Hipster Rihanna’? Your album was literally terrifying to listen to – with more yelps and purring than a burlap sack full of puppies and kittens in the back seat of a car in the garage with the engine running and the doors and windows sealed. Which is to say that kittens and puppies dying would have made a better recording. Lana – you are the singing equivalent of a bagel. There are many like you. Your orchestrated hype, while cloying, is also slick: an epic hatefest on the internet has turned you from “shit singer” to “interesting shit singer.” And now you’ve capped it all off by schtooping Axl Rose?
Axl Rose hasn’t done anything relevant since the early ’90s and Lana hasn’t done anything relevant other than show up to the party, so the coupling actually makes sense in a “when you combine shit and poo in a bag, it’s all shit anyway” sort of way.
Anyway. So they’re apparently dating. The New York Daily News has an item about how Lana has already recorded a song called “Axl Rose Husband” or some shit but I can’t even be bothered to write anything more about it than what I’m doing right now. They shouldn’t be let out of the house. Why can’t fame be a “Hunger Games”-esque fight? Why does anyone still talk about Axl Rose? Shouldn’t we be talking about someone who has actually done something recently? Sure, “Appetite For Destruction” and a handful of tracks from “Use Your Illusion,” but shut the fuck up after that. Christ, can you imagine what Lana and Axl (OMG their names together!!! LANA AND AXL! groooosss) talk about over breakfast? They probably talk about bandanas. That’s probably all they talk about. Lana and Axl. Maybe they’re perfect for each other.
What is fame? Is fame this? Because Lana Del Rey and Axl Rose should not be famous. Fame used to mean that you had done something amazing or at least achieved something. Axl Rose has just “hung out” for 20-fucking-years and Lana hasn’t done anything past “Video Games.” They’re fucking irrelevant. Move to the side of the stage, sweethearts. Bow out now.
UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that Guns N Roses’ guitarist (yes there is still such a thing) is now saying he doesn’t think Axl and Lana are dating.
April 09, 2012 at 5:26 pm, Brad Lednik said:
hahaha… I love this site. Great article!
April 09, 2012 at 5:32 pm, El Roi said:
Truly one of the signs of the impending Apocalypse.
April 09, 2012 at 5:52 pm, Luca Guaitolini said:
Terrible writing….take your time, put down the klonopin and the joint and write something funny next time. Will there ever be a return to class in pulp journalism? Oh wait, we have to "follow the times" pop a zanex and watch the world burn. Fuck you you terrible, terrible writer. Shit and poo in a bag being described by haughty odorous excretia like yourself makes me get down on all fours and pray for a powerful blonde 15 meter Norse-God-like planetary dictator named Viracocoha to swoop down and smash your ass with his fifty-million year-old sonic whack-hammer!
April 09, 2012 at 5:56 pm, Charlotte Adlard said:
aie aie aie
April 09, 2012 at 5:59 pm, Luca Guaitolini said:
Charlotte Adlard Am I right that this is simply bad writing? This man is obviously on drugs….
P.S. if you were 15 meters tall he would make you his wife and second in command: "Be a darling and pick the skull fragments and bloody lymph out of my whack-hammer Char-Char"
April 09, 2012 at 6:06 pm, Stewart Wright said:
This makes no sense…
April 09, 2012 at 6:07 pm, Luca Guaitolini said:
Stewart Wright you insult my sensibilities
April 09, 2012 at 6:07 pm, Luca Guaitolini said:
Stewart Wright don't make me call Viracocoha on yo ass
April 09, 2012 at 6:09 pm, Stewart Wright said:
I meant the article, I completely agree with you hahah
April 09, 2012 at 6:38 pm, Ned Hepburn said:
Luca, you are to writing what the 80's was to safe sex.
April 09, 2012 at 7:28 pm, Luca Guaitolini said:
Ned, you are to writing what smegma is to yiddish vernacular.
April 09, 2012 at 8:31 pm, Ned Hepburn said:
Luca Guaitolini i hope you kept the receipt for that ten dollar analogy, hombre.
April 09, 2012 at 8:56 pm, Luca Guaitolini said:
I don't usually keep my receipts Neddy boy, but since you asked it was a fifty-cent analogy (why would I squander a tenner on your sorry ass?) and the receipt is on a metal spike on the tip of Viracocoha's forty-nine inch purple member just rearing to ground and pound that fleshy Brooklyn face of yours into fine cosmic particulate.
April 09, 2012 at 11:57 pm, Laura Iaccino said:
settle down, Beavis.
April 10, 2012 at 12:00 am, Landan Rae Hoffman said:
Luca Guaitolini Im a fan, you'd make a great syndicated writer for something like FOX or ABC, you know, things relevant to people who cant spell 'relevant'. Or who dont know other people.
April 10, 2012 at 2:42 am, Luca Guaitolini said:
Hipsters: 0
Humans: 1
April 10, 2012 at 3:02 am, Luca Guaitolini said:
I want to apologize for any offensive remarks I might have made during the course of this investigation. I apologize primarily to Mr. Ned Hepburn, you're writing style is both fluid and original (the subject matter not so much) I also apologize to anyone who wasted their time reading my blasphemous slander regarding a certain ancient ruler named Viracocoha who was the inspiration behind the statues on Easter Island (he treated those pygmy natives with a levity and respect they haven't seen since). Lastly I apologize directly to the spirit of the great ruler himself: your lordship I beseech you please excuse my conservative estimation of your length, I'm sure you shoot past the fifty-five inch mark on a good day. As for Landan and Laura, all three of our names start with L's! How's that for a coinky-dinky? I feel indebted to you all for making my drab scummy puddle of an existence all the slimier.
May love, happiness, and the deepest galactic wisdom pass by your window while you look on wistfully as an oily floater bobs to the surface of your porcelain throne!
April 11, 2012 at 8:37 am, Jason Gleed said:
Luca Guaitolini Good God, it's a troll with a thesaurus.
April 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm, Luca Guaitolini said:
You the man Gleed, callin' it like you see it, respect!
April 09, 2012 at 8:10 pm, Mike Nelson said:
Well what can I say it wasw good for a few laughs I agree Axl is a nobody but let it go….. No one cares and no one really wants to read this crap!
April 09, 2012 at 8:31 pm, Ned Hepburn said:
thanks for reading it and then then saying 'no one really wants to read this.'
April 09, 2012 at 8:41 pm, Gary Montoya-Stereotype said:
yawn…gimme my 5 minutes back!
April 09, 2012 at 9:17 pm, Lilly Melin said:
Thanks for the lol Ned Hepburn.
April 09, 2012 at 10:59 pm, Gabby Payne said:
Ned Hepburn is a fucking retard. Get a life brah, start a tumblr, and whine on there. Leaving the real writing to the grown ups. In the mean time, quit your day job please.
April 10, 2012 at 1:04 am, William Reimer said:
HE ALREADY HAS A TUMBLR AND IT'S PROBABLY MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS
April 10, 2012 at 9:49 am, Gabby Payne said:
He should reserve this for his tumblr. I deleted my tumblr, however, my tumblr for my daughter "dearscarlet.tumblr.com" is actually really good and I write for it. Check it out.
April 10, 2012 at 1:54 am, Paola Giannina said:
Get a life… you obviously are no one and need to talk bad abt FAMOUS people to make you feel a little less miserable…. AXL is a living legend and you are NO ONE..
April 10, 2012 at 5:00 pm, Sydni Schieber said:
Oh the irony.
April 10, 2012 at 5:44 pm, Vivian Mayer said:
Opppps I am in a wrong site!
April 22, 2012 at 11:20 pm, Juliana Almeida said:
I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong site too;)))
April 16, 2012 at 3:47 am, Tomás Lautaro Monzón said:
Ican smell a little envy in the writing… if he's 50 and can get this chick , good for him! Axl rules!
July 18, 2012 at 10:34 pm, Givi Machavariani said:
Man Axl Rose is and always will be a rockstar! he is doing his thing and he is doing it great! he has very young girlfriend, why not? And your article is ridicilous.
January 06, 2013 at 8:41 am, Heidi Turpin said:
This is the dumbest, worst written thing I've read in awhile. It was not funny or witty. It was depressing actually because you're a nancy.
I'm sorry- you haven't been relevant ever. But mainly I feel bad for you because you're such a wet blanket. That's gotta be a real drag. Hey go sop it up off the Internet, and for everyone's sake, get laid.