There is nothing wrong with sticking it wherever you want, to whomever you want to stick it to, as long as it is consensual and everyone is OK with it. Having said that, a so-deep-in-the-closet-you’re-finding-Christmas-presents actor by the name of Tom Cruise is getting divorced from ’90s masturbatory fantasy Katie Holmes after six (count ‘em!) years of “marriage.”

Tom had his beard now ex-wife Katie become a Scientologist, a religion, if you are not familiar with it, that preaches that tiny dead aliens inside of you are making you do bad things and that the only way to get rid of them is to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars. It’s a real thing! It was started by a science fiction writer! America!

No word on whether Tom Cruise will cry himself to sleep on his millions of dollars or whether Katie Holmes will denounce Scientology and run screaming back into the world of the real religions. You know, real religions like the one about the dead guy who walks on water and will come back to save us if we’re good? Yeah. Like, normal.