Nothing is more arrogant and desperate than asking for recording and touring money on Kickstarter. Let’s get that out of the way straight off. Head over to Kickstarter’s Music project section and it’s just an apocalyptic onslaught of beggary, delusion, self-importance, neo-feudalistic people states (the investors their vassals), bad hair, worse photos, beards, blank stares, flannels, postures… me, me, me. Fuck off.
You might say, “Well, what’s it to you, Pangburn? You don’t have to invest.” Indeed, I do not and I shall not!
And if I invest at all it will be because I, in some sado-masochistic way, want myself and others to feel the pain of exceptionally terrible or middling music. The goal being that Kickstarter’s music projects will reach such a critical mass of blandness and shite that investment dollars will simply dry up. That the money tree will suddenly vanish and the music trolls will retreat into their mountain lairs.
I don’t care about your project. Hundreds of millions, billions even, don’t give two shits about your new EP or music video. And when a project meets its financing goal, it only enhances the delusion that people will want to listen. Kickstarter is the enabler here, but it is not the company’s fault.
As a ruling principle, though, vanity should not be rewarded. And such delusions should not be enabled such that every day I receive email, Facebook, Twitter and various other social media notifications that this or that Kickstarter project needs financing. I will not be extorted by friendship, association and the other various ways a Kickstarter music project moves by degrees through cyberspace. Others, sadly, are easy targets.
As my Pops often says, “A fool and his money are soon parted.” Well, the maxim doesn’t exactly hold true on Kickstarter, where the risk is low.
So I propose a solution: the only way out of this music holocaust is to increase the wager. That’s right, investors should be not allowed to contribute a meager 5, 10 or 15 dollars, etc., but wager a year’s salary, one’s investment portfolio, automobile, anything of real, critical value, on a music project. If the music is good and it sells, the wager will break even or pay off. If not, then investors will be left cursing their own foolishness. Only then will balance be restored.
Until that day, I will not finance your god-damned Kickstarter album.