A man or woman’s playlist says a lot about them. Mitt Romney is no exception. Apparently the man of a thousand masks likes Alabama, Aerosmith, Toby Keith, Kenny Chesney and Garth Brooks. Make no mistake: Romney is pandering to both southern voters and those in the north who are from rural environs. (As a rural chap myself, the gambit will probably work given the popularity of country in the midwest.) As a rather absurdist attempt at the youth vote, Romney has also recently gone on the record saying he digs The Killers. What a square.

Below is a playlist I have drawn up for Mitt Romney. Since the man adopts so many masks, and cannot readily be identified beyond basic greed for money and power, this imaginary playlist is certainly as legitimate as Romney’s aforementioned favorite bands.

This is Romney as I imagine him, which is approximately what it must be like when Romney reflects upon his own authentic self—if it, in fact, exists.

Enya – “Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)”

This song was most recently used in David Fincher’s adaptation of “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo,” during the scene in which the killer is going to rape and murder, or rather murder and corpse-fuck Mikael Blomkvist. The serial killer is also a son of privilege with anger problems. I, myself, quite like the song’s arrangements and dreaminess (it almost—almost—prefigures Air’s later output).

Katrina & The Waves – “I’m Walking On Sunshine”

This may conjure thoughts of Patrick Bateman in “American Psycho,” to whom Romney has been compared on occasion. This one’s too obvious for any further commentary.

Chicago – “You’re The Inspiration”

Nothing soothes the soul quite like Peter Cetera’s voice. With Chicago’s “You’re The Inspiration,” we get a mid-tempo uplifting track about one’s lover always being in the mind and heart. It’s my belief that no one could tug at Romney’s heartstrings like Cetera. (In the video, watch for Cetera’s Bauhaus t-shirt.)

Toto – “Rosanna”

Toto’s “Rosanna” is the type of song one could imagine the 35-year old Romney blasting on his yacht, saying over and over again to some banker, “I just love this song! What chord changes on the chorus!” The banker’s thinking to himself, “Would this fuck just shut up already?”

10cc -” I’m Not In Love”

I absolutely love this track (those incredibly multi-tracked voices are matchless), and I think Romney would, too, but for a totally different reason. It’s based on my theory that Romney, judging by his neatness, his Mormon religion (and all the repression that comes with it), the constant shifting of masks (businessman, common man, religious man, etc.) wears the mask of a straight man to cover his latent homosexuality. Romney would probably re-imagine this song as a break-up letter to his male lover. From this perspective, the whispers of “Big boys don’t cry” take on a whole new meaning.

Peter Cetera – “Glory of Love”

More Peter Cetera, yes. “Glory of Love” was a mega-hit in 1986, riding on the strength of Cetera’s mega-voice. I guarantee this was on rotation in Romney’s (tax-free) limo. Imagine Romney playing this song in his mansion after a dust-up with the old ball and chain. “I am man who would fight for your honor… I’ll be the hero you’re dreaming of… We’ll live forever, knowing together… that we did it all for the glory of love.” Yep.

Spandau Ballet – “True”

Spandau Ballet were never the most respected of New Wave bands, falling into the sub-genre New Romantic, populated by the likes of Duran Duran and Dpeche Mode. The song, while certainly good, is just cheesy and MOR enough for Romney.

Whitney Houston – “The Greatest Love Of All”

Another Batemen reference, but one could see how the lyrics, as sung by Whitney Houston’s 1986 cover, might have inspired Mittens, who has of course endured so many hardships in his life.

Richard Marx – “Hold On To The Night”

Come on, Mitt could have an ironic laugh at Richard Marx’s last name while sitting at Bain Capital diggin’ this timeless tune. He probably cracked some stupid joke to his jocular pals, like, “At least there was one good Marx in history, am I right or am I right?”

And finally…. (You knew this one was coming)

Christopher Cross – Sailing

Imagine Mitt Romney wishing he could escape his troubles and pursue his real dreams while rocking Christopher Cross’s MOR tune “Sailing.” It might just make you feel sad for about the idea that is Mitt Romney, and its hollow interior.