It has been a whirlwind week or so, you guys, for Republicans proudly proclaiming things that no human being should say ever out loud or probably even solemnly admit to themselves in the privacy of their own commode. By now, I’d think that I wouldn’t be so continually surprised by these things—we are, after all, in the age of Akin. And there was that one time that a certain relation of mine brought her Republican boyfriend to dinner and he referred to “The Bell Curve” as a book that contained facts. But no! No, I am continually taken aback by the sheer insanity of it all.
Let’s start with Scalia, a man more thoroughly embarrassing to my people than 1,000 Jersey Shores and Tony Sopranos could ever hope to be. Seriously though- how can a freaking Italian person not feel a just little bit weird about being super crazily anti-immigration? Like anyone was ever happy to see us (Happy Columbus Day, by the way…). Not to mention the fact he’s totally killing our hard won image of sexiness. But I digress. Here is what he came out with on Friday!
“The death penalty? Give me a break. It’s easy. Abortion? Absolutely easy. Nobody ever thought the Constitution prevented restrictions on abortion. Homosexual sodomy? Come on. For 200 years, it was criminal in every state,” Scalia said at the American Enterprise Institute.
He then went on to talk about his imaginary friend, a Supreme Court Justice who dares to interpret the Constitution by modern standards and mores. Scalia claims that he is a “textualist” and that he only believes in interpreting the Constitution in the way that he believes the founding fathers intended it.
Scalia, who wrote the dissenting opinion in Lawrence v. Texas—and whose name anagrams to “Anal Stain Icon”—is quite sure that we shouldn’t be worrying our pretty little heads about whether or not it’s a good idea to kill people, whether or not women should have any control over their bodies, or whether people who are not Antonin Scalia should be able to do sex things that do not appeal to Antonin Scalia. Because it was already decided 200 years ago, so just shut up about it, ok? And anyone who existed 200 years ago or more was definitely magically right about everything in the future, always. Like, women should definitely not be voting, and black people should only be considered 3/5 of a person, and for God’s sake, what evil liberal cabal drove powdered wigs and breeches out of fashion? Seriously! Fuck the sans-culottes! Sock garters for all! And bustles!
Next up, we have the delightful Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA)! Broun is most well known, probably, for his various weird assertions about the Obama administration being either a Marxist Regime or some kind of Nazi something or another, and for gently humoring an old man’s dreams of assassination one time. This past weekend, Broun delivered a speech to all of his stuffed animals about all the kinds of science guaranteed to send you to a fiery afterlife in the pits of hell!
I’m actually totally unclear as to why embryology is a lie from the pit of hell. I thought these people loved embryos! I guess I just can’t keep up. Like anyone else you’d totally want on your Congressional Committee on Science and Technology, Broun believes that the whole world is only about 9,000 years old and that Jesus rode a triceratops everywhere, probs. Broun believes the Bible is right about all of the things, except about the amount of times someone should get married, apparently—since he’s on wife number four. He is running unopposed in the current election, so, yay Amerka!
And, simply because it amuses me, here is a bonus list of Antonin Scalia anagrams for the new death metal band that you’re forming:
In Anal Taco Sin
Satan, Can I Loin?
In Satanic Loan
Slain Cat Anion
I Sanction Anal
Tin Anal Casino
Ani Slit a Canon
Image via addictinginfo