So yesterday, Pope Totally-Not-A-Nazi-Or-Anything canonized seven brand new saints—two of whom were ladies from Upstate New York, and neither of whom were me.  Which is lame. The big deal, however, is that one of these ladies, Kateri Tekakwitha, is the very first Native American patron saint. Which is probably really great for all the Native American Catholics out there, whoever they are.

Apparently, St. Kateri converted to Catholicism pretty early in her life and got booted out of her tribe and went to Canada where she died a virgin at age 24, and after she was dead she cured a kid of a flesh eating bacteria virus. She is going to be a patron saint of environmentalism and “people who were ridiculed for their piety,” which is kind of a hilariously passive aggressive thing to be a patron saint of if you ask me.

Like many strident atheists, I am way the hell into patron saints. True story, when I was 9 years old, we went to the festival of St. Anthony in Boston’s North End, and I lost my wallet. A month or so later, it was mailed back to me (from Florida!), complete with my $40 and my Mighty Mouse Fan Club Membership Card. St. Anthony, if you didn’t know, is the patron saint of lost things (“St. Anthony, St. Anthony won’t you please look around, something is lost and can’t be found” is, I think, his official prayer). Anyway, to celebrate this festive occasion of canonization and stuff, I thought I would share with you a few of my favorite patron saints. You know, so you can figure out which one you should be saying a novena to the next time you’re feeling holy.

St. Fiacre, Patron Saint of Cab Drivers, Florists, Hosiers, Box Makers, Ploughboys, Tilemakers and against Venereal Disease, Piles, Fistula and Hemorrhoids.

Who Should Say a Novena:  A slutty cab driver with a pantyhose fetish who needs help moving.

St Drogo, Patron Saint of Coffee Houses and Unattractive People

Who Should Say a Novena:  Probably like half the people I can see right now while I am writing this.

St. Amand,  Patron saint of Barkeepers, Bar Staff, Bartenders, Winemakers, Brewers, Wine Merchants, Vintners, Vine growers… and Boy Scouts.

Who Should Say A Novena: You, probably. Also, everyone on the BSA molester list, one would imagine.

St. Andrew The Apostle, Patron Saint of Singers and Spinsters

Who Should Say A Novena: Little Edie, Miss Havisham. And also probably me.