Review on Ambien: Crystal Castles 'III'

Review on Ambien: Crystal Castles ‘III’

Nov 14, 2012

Photo credit: Erez Avissar

Rating:2/5

I may or may not have found an Ambien lying around and I may or may not have taken it before reviewing this album.
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Plague
This is the kind of music that girl in “The Ring” listens to when she’s not crawling through the TV.

Kerosene
If Aphex Twin wrote a Kylie Minogue song, it would sound exactly like this. Is autotune the most overused thing in the entire world? Yes. Yes it is. If I wanted to hear weird squeaky voices coming from all over the place I’d just stop taking my meds.

Wrath of God
Is this about that Playstation game of the same name? That one kicked ass. No wait that was called God Of War. This doesn’t sound anything like God Of War. This sounds like someone took acid in the keyboard room of the Guitar Center over on Flatbush. And the squeaky voices are back because (reasons) and it totally isn’t working here. Boo.

Affection
Sounds like “My Love” by Justin Timberlake being covered by a sleepy model and her boyfriend after both of them took three Ambien. Seriously. Sounds EXACTLY like it. You can practically smell good sex and Parliament cigarettes being smoked out of a SoHo window here. Maybe the reason I like it is just because it sounds so much like that one JT song. It isn’t even that good of a song. Boo.

Pale Flesh
Didn’t even pay attention to this song. Lame.

Sad Eyes
The squeaky voice is back in the beginning and the rest of the song sounds like the kind of thing I’d imagine would be played at weddings in the future and also in anime and also in space.

Insulin
Oh dear god everything has gone wrong what the hell is wrong with the speakers? This song is terrible. Some people will like it but they are wrong and bitter. This is an actual bad song. I wonder if this was done purposefully.

Transgender
Is this what being transgender would sound like? Would it sound like climbing the rope in gym class, as this song does? Can’t Alice Glass just sing normally like a normal person? I bet she’s cool in real life and everything I’m just saying I don’t get the whole “I AM GIRL-WITH-THE-DRAGON/BJORK-TATTOO” thing she has going on. The middle of this song has a pretty sweet jam but they’ve really stuck with the whole “gonna be really weird” thing, here. I’m not asking for a fucking Don Henley song but I am asking for Crystal Castles albums to stop being so fucking Gus Van Sant. Who I like! I like Gus Van Sant. Do you see how torn I am disliking this album? We can meet in the middle, folks.

Violent Youth
I wonder who named the tracks on the album. It’s like someone’s bummed-out 13 year-old brother got involved in the band somehow and now everything on here sounds like it’s “The Matrix.”

Telepath
One time I thought I was telepathic but then I realized that my girlfriend’s microwave rotates and that I probably wasn’t controlling the Hot Pocket with my mind.

Mercenary
I cannot get into this album—there aren’t even any words to describe how many fuck I do not give about this album.

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There are good moments on this album. Don’t let that fool you into thinking it is a good album. They’ve traded their pop sensibilities in here for leather jackets and angular haircuts. Ugh. I get it. But there are two good songs here on an album of 12 songs. Wooooooof, y’all.

Child I Will Hurt You
So 12 songs deep on this album they actually throw in a good song. It sounds like Steven Spielberg directed a Suicide song. Overall, though, Suicide was a way better band. “Child I Will Hurt You” and “Sad Eyes” are the only two things on this album worth a damn. Sorry. I mean, what are they gonna do about this bad review? Dance like witches around a Casio keyboard on ‘demo’ setting? SMH.

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