'Love Is Art' kit lets you capture your lovemaking on canvas (if you're a total weirdo)

‘Love Is Art’ kit lets you capture your lovemaking on canvas (if you’re a total weirdo)

Nov 14, 2012

“Oh my, Joyce, I love the painting above your davenport—is it a Jackson Pollack?

No, Dolores, it is actually my own work. Well, a collaboration between Martin and me.

Really! I never knew you had such artistic prowess!

I don’t! We just slathered ourselves in paint and then banged on a canvas!”

What a glorious and romantic representation of your love! This is not weird or kind of disturbing at all! I must have one for my own home!”

Ok, seriously. I am way, way sex-positive, but is there any way humanly possible for anyone who is not terrible to want this weird “Love Is Art” Make-Your-Own Sex Painting Kit?  The kit, it seems, comes with a “specially treated canvas” and “specially formulated paint”, along with a plastic tarp and disposable slippers! Nothing says sexxxytime like disposable slippers and a plastic tarp! Although normally the kind of art one associates with disposable slippers usually involves macaroni, glue and glitter… (just saying).

Anyway, you are supposed to lay down the plastic tarp and the canvas, pour the paint on the canvas and then get down, creating your own abstract art masterpiece. Uh, and then you take it to your friendly local framing service and have then have it mounted. “Here you go, picture framer guy! Please frame this awesome canvas that my partner and I have just sexed all over! I bet this in no way seems unsanitary to you!”

Oh! And then they even have an iPhone app that allows you to share this, or other expressions of your precious love in order to connect with all the other impossibly obnoxious couples who also believe that their banging is a work of art. Who probably also make out in public like, all of the motherfucking time, and walk down the street holding hands like Jack and Jill, and also sit on the same side of the booth always and leave the other side empty. All the same-side-of-the-booth-sitters will be wanting this product. Fact.

I am of the opinion that this needs to go on the list of supposedly sexxxy things that could in no way ever turn out well. Right up there with edible underwear (because seriously, who has ever been like “You know what would make all of this sex that we are having so much better? A fruit roll up!”). You know that yours would totally just end up being weird butt prints all over the place. Or that you’d slip in the paint and sprain your ankle. Or you’d never actually get around to doing it and it would end up in that weird drawer where you keep all your half finished art projects and that Garfield cross stitch kit that you got for Christmas when you were 8.

I feel the need to mention that this is in no way an original thing, because like, back in 1998, Farrah Fawcett (RIP!) did this shit for a totally disturbing Playboy video and everyone thought it was sad. What kind of world are we coming to when people are going about ripping off Farrah Fawcett?

H/T to the ever-so-darling Tim Jones-Yelvington who apparently saw this and thought of me. Not sure how to take that.

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