Yesterday Vice got worked up and ripped Los Angeles a new asshole because LA is just, like, the worst, you know? And by “new” I mean “regurgitated from a Shit People in LA Say” video. Seeing as how people can’t keep two-ton piles of turd out of their mouths in regards to this city (and since Joseph Gordon Levitt’s piece was too polite) I decided I’d rebut some of these scathing Doug-Ellin-Mad-Lib accusations of my home.
The first pie is thrown in the face of overall safety in Los Angeles which, to be honest, is pretty close to the truth. Earthquakes, widespread insanity, gang violence, fires, and Katherine Heigl all do plague the City of Angels on a daily basis. Stop being a giant pussy. Musical theater majors can hack it in this town, for Christ’s sake. If you fear for your life in Los Angeles move to a quaint suburb in Colorado (then again: avalanches, shooting sprees, Denver Bronco fans…).
The author goes on to piss on the rampant hippie bullshit that populates this city and that’s fine too, you’ve got us there. Venice can get fucked on a hemp yoga mat for all I care. But he was probably goosed on whip-its when he lambasted the hassle it is to have a normal night out in LA. Point one: if you’re paying out the ass for valet and waiting in line to get into a velvet rope bottle service club then you’re on the wrong fucking side of town. And shouldn’t you only be going to those clubs if you can deffo skip the line? Shoot me in the face if you catch me trying to dick-suck my way into Drais on the weekend. Here’s a pro-tip to avoid any and all of that bullshit: stay east of La Brea, learn how to use the g-d bus, and call a cab if you can’t dupe any of your friends into being the designated driver (remember: people are easily manipulated out here!).
There are too many extreme sports in Los Angeles? Insane modes of transportation? The argument is immediately invalidated when you cite a video taken on the boardwalk in Venice Beach. If Venice Beach ever represented the breadth of Los Angeles there’d be drum circles at the Echo and dread-boys playing with Devil Sticks on top of the downtown Standard. As for broken dreams (we feed off of those, we are stronger than you, we chew hearts and ejaculate souls), David Spade, and Cafe Gratitude: stop warping your perception through the lens of Hollywood. That’s like moving to NYC and complaining about how awful it is in Times Square. Also, improv comedy is fucking hilarious when done correctly (usually long form, bro). Using the Groundlings as a representation for improv is like making Wheatus the poster band of punk rock.
If you can’t have a great time in the sprawling and diverse landscape of Los Angeles then maybe something is wrong with you and not the city. Explore for once. Tell Missing Persons to get fucked and take a walk somewhere. There are approximately two thousand other neighborhoods outside of Venice and Hollywood that completely rule. And if you’re still worried about crime stop driving your BMW to buy coke in Highland Park, white people.
But if I can’t persuade you stop being such a band-wagon asshole that’s fine. We’re pretty ~chill~ out here in LA. Keep on hating while I chief this legal weed, scope babes, chug beer in my yard in perfect weather 300 days a year, and see amazing bands for dirt cheap every night of the week. You know what is the worst thing about Los Angeles? Your mobile uploads folder full of pictures from Chateau Marmont. Oh and that bar Happy Endings.
PS: No one likes Diablo or Scientology. And only industry dick-climbers give one single shit about fearing the golden cross and Tom Cruise. Suck one, Scientology.