This is the first of many 2012 lists that this fine publication will be coming out with in the next couple weeks. We decided first however to shit on the people we hated most this year—the truly exceptional pains in the ass. Instead of just having this list be about 10 politicians who range from thinking rape does not exist to giving out the number for a sex line to help people with meningitis, I opted to create different categories and then crown an overall winner. So below are some of the people who were the bain of our year.
Worst Politician Of 2012-Todd Akin
While Republicans had many contenders for this title, no one was able to surpass Mr. Akin. My apologies, Mr. Akin, but your statement,“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” makes Mitt Romney’s “47%” comment seem downright compassionate by comparison. Missouri did not re-elect Mr. Akin, but his ridiculous disrespect for women and tardiness during 4th grade sex-ed class earned him this consolation prize—our award for the worst politician of 2012.
Worst Musician of 2012: 3 way tie between Chris Brown, Swedish House Mafia, and British Boy bands
There are no ties at award ceremonies but this is my award ceremony and I can do what I want. It truly took me a long time (1 hour) to whittle down the competition and ultimately come up with these three winners (or losers). Next week I will be releasing the whole list so don’t shed too many tears, Mumford and Sons and Muse fans—your time will come.
Chris Brown is an awful person. That is not some journalistic bias—he is an actual awful person. He beat up his girlfriend and then got a tattoo that resembles her face with bruises. He then made a song with Rihanna, and, in a Twitter spat with a fan told her to “ask Rihanna if she’s mad” about having been beaten up. Shudder.
Moving on, my mom came home the other day and asked me if I liked Swedish House Mafia. The ultimate decline of any respectable dance music has to be pointed in the direction of these three men who wear cargo shorts and care more about syncing their music with fireworks than mixing. Look, I know Burial is coming out with a two song EP next month, and I know that good electronic music exists, but these three schmucks are the reason I have to log on to Facebook and see old family friends in tutus with their eyes in the back of their heads. Oh, and the fact that they are doing a goodbye tour after forming 5 years ago also pisses me off.
On the return of British Boy bands: fuck you Simon Cowell.
Worst Writer of 2012: Kesha
We here at Death and Taxes save using the dollar sign as an S sparingly for ironic reasons and I sure as hell will not use it for Kesha. Anybody who puts out an autobiography before 25 should just take a seat (except for Anne Frank, of course). I have not actually read it but from Wikipedia, the picture book “My Crazy Beautiful Life” details her thoughts and expressions through photographs about her life. VICE has a pretty good review of it if you would like to get a real feel for what the book as to offer as her publicist has not sent me one yet. Also this video exists below which cements the fact that she must be the worst novelist of 2012.
Worst CEO of 2012: Gregory F. Rayburn (Hostess)
With the decline of the Hostess brand how are we supposed to survive a nuclear apocalypse? What other than Twinkies stays good in a fallout shelter for 100 years? Okay, really it is not that big a deal but it does suck to see such an American staple, albeit fat-inducing one, go away like the Blockbusters of the world. It was a generational treat, one that I remember eating with my mother and one she remembers eating with hers. So R.I.P Hostess, we will kind of miss you.
Worst Almost-Celebrity of 2012: Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is not new to legal troubles. They have been following her around for the past couple years. She is an awful driver and has had drug and alcohol problems for several years now. She also has not really had a hit movie since “Mean Girls,” and somehow talked her way into staring in Lifetime’s made for TV movie “Liz and Dick.” But this year she really turned up the volume—2012 was full of club fights over boy bands, lying about who was actually driving her car during her accident, and generally just being a nuisance to society. For all of these reasons there was really no other choice in this category.
Worst Person of 2012: Donald Trump
Congratulations Mr. Trump for edging out a girlfriend-beater and a rape-denier based on sheer force of obnoxiousness. You were the absolute worst person this year. You finally did it! First of all even the Republican party did not want you. They did not invite you to speak at their convention even though you wanted to. You refuse to give up on your theory that Barack Obama was not born in the United States even though people who believe 9/11 was an inside job have already moved on. You threaten Obama with charity money which makes zero sense because you created a lose lose situation for yourself.
Your restaurant at your hotel in Vegas got shut down for month-old caviar. You got fired from the board of directors of “Trump Towers” in New York. (Kind of ironic that they are keeping your name) Money was so bad you had to do a Serta Mattress commercial. At one point you endorsed emotionless talking head Newt Gingrich for president after having a failed attempt of your own. And last but not least none of the candidates wanted to show up to your fireside chat.
But your crowning achievement of 2012 was definitely trying to turn Hurricane Sandy into part of your dog-and-pony political press routine involving Obama and a charity bribe.
What a year, Donald. You are a failed businessman, a failed conspiracy theorist, a failed presidential candidate, and a failed restauranteur. The only thing you seem to have succeeded in is getting this award; oh and you still have a reality show that garnered this amazing scene with Arsenio Hall.
Follow Kevin Camps @kpcamps.