In a odd turn of events, it appears that the entire internet has been collectively turning into comedienne Kathy Griffin since April of 2009. What once started out as an information superhighway and an unending map of human learning and interaction has devolved into a shrill, insult-slinging, celebrity and status obsessed redheaded ball of vitriol.
Many are blaming the fact that normal people can get on the internet, citing a time before 2009 when not everybody had a smartphone in their pocket and not everyone’s parents were on Facebook. This – according to researchers – provides stark evidence as to the reasons behind the tectonic shift in the web’s momentum from what could have been the collected knowledge of humankind to a collective fame-hungry narcissistic anger-spout who ultimately just wants to have their own reality show or a book deal.
“I’m upset,” said one government official, who declined to be named, “There was a time when we were going for something together, something good, something pure, and something honest. And now the internet is almost entirely used to wank each-other’s genitals or egos off. The whole thing got turned into some sort of Roman bath house where we’re too busy being catty to eachother or shitting on eachother’s opinions to worry about the actual downfall of our society going on right outside.”
“Not that there’s anything wrong with Kathy Griffin if there’s just one of her,” he added, “She’s good at what she does and quite funny. But now literally the entire internet is some sort of sensationalist circle-jerk. Don’t even get me started on BuzzFeed’s dumbed-down headline writing skills that are single-handedly taking down the entire field of journalism along with it, or those pro-ana message-boards that are just pictures of young impressionable women barfing. That isn’t what the internet was supposed to be.”
British computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee, who created the world wide web in 1989, was unable to be reached for comment, although could be heard openly weeping behind a locked door.