The Thong Bandit is still at large in Denver
A banana hammock is on the loose in Mile High City. “We’re looking for an individual we have titled ‘The Thong Bandit’,” Denver Police Department Commander Paul Pazen told Channel 9 News. “He [starts out] fully-clothed, somewhere in the mouth of an alley will disrobe down to a thong and then expose himself further in front of female citizens here in northwest Denver.”
Detectives are on the hunt for a white or Hispanic man around 5’7″ who began exposing himself in a pink thong now that Denver’s weather is warmer. The above sketch has been provided for locals in case they can’t identify the suspect by his lingerie, which now is believed to have switched over to a darker color. Police and the people of Denver are, for some reason, outraged; but, hey, at least it wasn’t mopery.
Pazen: “I have not seen anything like this in my career.”
The police commander’s concern, apparently, is that The Thong Bandit’s behavior will escalate into pervy purgatory, a point of no return in which locals can no longer enjoy a Rocky Mountain oyster brunch without fuchsia panties being flaunted at their table. But some people don’t see what the big deal is. My roommate likens The Thong Bandit to Times Square’s Naked Cowboy, only faulted by middle American moral code. She suggests to “give him a guitar, put a silly hat on him and, boom, he’s a national hero.”
Channel 9’s report: