The band Weezer have a cruise. There. That’s all the news you’re going to get out of this fucking article. I refuse to endorse this in any way.
Can you imagine being stuck on a boat with Rivers Cuomo? Fair enough if you’re an underage Asian groupie or perhaps, due to some serious head injury, insist on living in the year 1996. But being that the year is 2013 and you have better things to do, why would Weezer have a cruise? Oh, there’s a website. But if you click on it be warned that if anyone sees you perusing it they will ditch you as a friend.
The hellride cruise takes place over 4 days in the Bahamas and there’ll be a private island beach party or something but we all know that this is some sort of cruel joke writ large over nostalgic emo kids’ fleeting memories of a misspent youth. The fact that you’ll be stuck on a boat with a band that has been cruelly underperforming for 15 years – roughly the amount of time it would take for a loyal dog to live a long life – is enough to make your eyes water. Don’t do it. Don’t go. It isn’t going to be worth it. No.
This is the same band that signed an endorsement deal with Snuggies. I know it’s a paycheck, but it doesn’t mean that you have to fucking do it, Rivers. Say no to things. Have some self respect. Don’t loop your fans from nearly twenty years ago into some nostalgic cruise concert.
Even the band looks bored out of their minds in this promo video for the cruise.
March 12, 2013 at 2:14 pm, Amanda Gomez said:
I thought the video was depressing.
March 12, 2013 at 3:59 pm, Alex Choi said:
Zinger with that "Asian groupie" bit
March 12, 2013 at 4:01 pm, Alex Choi said:
It's good to know that an Asian groupie equals a whiter person with a head injury.
March 12, 2013 at 4:10 pm, Wil Everts said:
I'm lame, I like Weezer.
March 14, 2013 at 4:24 pm, Timothy Treebeard Adams said:
Seriously, that was racist as fuck.
March 15, 2013 at 8:19 pm, Meys Cobos said:
I'm pretty awesome, and I like Weezer.
March 12, 2013 at 6:57 pm, Chase Mather Turner said:
Even before I clicked I knew this had to be written by Ned Hepburn.
March 12, 2013 at 8:01 pm, Michael Dunbar said:
With "Say It Ain't So" playing over the last few seconds, it's the first time in a long time a Weezer song has so aptly verbalized my visceral reaction.
March 14, 2013 at 12:15 pm, Another Carnival Cruise ship traps passengers with ‘human waste all over the floor’ | Death and Taxes said:
[...] Carnival responded to their second shit show (sorry, again) in less than 30 days by arranging private charter flights for passengers from St. Maarten to their respective home cities. The company also said in a statement that they are preparing refunds as well as a coupon for “50 percent off a future cruise,” which can’t be all that bad. Even if the next one is drowning in dookie, at least they’re not trapped in the Bahamas with Weezer. [...]
March 16, 2013 at 3:55 am, Tara Hanna Lancaster said:
I don't really understand how someone can write an article like that without knowing what he is talking about. What I think is sad is that that guy hasn't been on a weezer cruise and wrote this article anyway. The only way anyone could have a sad time on a boat with 17 bands including weezer is if Ned Hepburn were also on the cruise. What a miserable human being.
March 16, 2013 at 1:22 pm, Chuck Huff Jr. said:
from the pics u had last year it looked like a blast!!
March 17, 2013 at 3:45 am, Jeanie R. Hanna said:
Some people are most happy while trying to make others miserable….
March 16, 2013 at 4:07 am, Michael McCarthy said:
Ned, go fuck yourself. People like you are always going to have a powerful voice.
March 16, 2013 at 4:09 am, Danielle McCarthy said:
He's not worth bothering about.
March 16, 2013 at 4:10 am, Tara Hanna Lancaster said:
I had to make a comment at the bottom of that article. Wonder what that guy's problem is.
March 16, 2013 at 4:48 am, Jacob Brown said:
What kind of douchy name is Ned anyways. Sounds like the name of a serial pervert.
March 17, 2013 at 8:34 pm, Doug Lawrence said:
Such a douchebag. Hater's gonna hate…
March 16, 2013 at 4:47 am, Lucy Taylor Morrison said:
Someone sounds jealous because he's got no people to room with!
March 16, 2013 at 5:34 am, Shannon Harper said:
This "article" is just retarded. It makes no sense. It's a rant but for what reason? What's the purpose? He sounds like he didn't get his way so is throwing a temper tantrum. I feel for him because it sounds Ike he needs his diaper changed. What an asshat.
March 17, 2013 at 2:50 am, Michael Bicanovsky said:
what the hell did I just read?
March 17, 2013 at 2:51 am, Michael Bicanovsky said:
Asshat. lol. Fact.
March 17, 2013 at 4:16 am, Ryan Schulte said:
This sad and stupid article, written by a very sad person, may be the saddest thing, possibly, ever.
March 19, 2013 at 7:46 am, Mark Daniel Mocniak said:
Were you not loved as a child? Life isn't quite as you expected is it Ned? It's ok you can take it out on weezer