Oh, the hours you’ve spent writing Taylor Swift fan mail this year! Carefully outlining every page with swirly hearts and stars, rendered in sparkly puffy paint and googly-eye Popple stickers and collaged photos of you two holding hands on a quaint country porch swing — letting her know that you were on her side no matter what. That each time a boy broke her heart or mean lady comics gently ribbed her on an awards show where they gently rib pretty much everybody, that you felt her pain. In fact, you just wrote her a new letter upon finding out that the magazine covers featuring her were not selling especially well.
OMGGGGGGG, Taylor, you wrote, Obvs people are just not buying your magazine covers because they are sooooooo jealous of how pretty and talented U R. Haters should STFU!. You thought about how comforted she would feel upon receiving your support. Maybe someday she’d see how devoted you were and ask you to go get a FroYo with her, and then the two of you would stay up all night braiding each other’s hair and talking about boys.
But then, today, all of your dreams were dashed upon discovering that all the fan mail you spent hours spackling in pink marshmallow fluff was laid to waste in a dumpster. AS IF IT MEANT NOTHING. And, now, no one speaks English and everything is broken, and you and Taylor Swift are never going to ride off into the sunset together on glittery pastel Fashion Star Fillies as you had always dreamed.
How could this be? Taylor Swift has often said that her fans (meaning you) were of the utmost importance to her. Was she lying? What do you have to do to get Taylor Swift’s attention, and maybe just a little bit of acknowledgement of your love and support? Is this what she thinks of you? Her PR people say it was all a cruel mistake and that Taylor Swift is always very excited to read 10,000 letters a day and to receive models of her head rendered in Jujubes. Always.
Maybe that is true. But it probably isn’t, and now- now you just feel like this: