10 athletes who made insanely awful actors
No Oscars for these jock-bags.
1. Brian Bosworth, “Stone Cold”
Stunt coordinator Craig Baxley (“Predator,” “Dukes of Hazzard”) directed this 1991 vigilante forgettable that was probably a white supremacist’s wet dream of a b-movie. A
male stripper cop (The Boz) goes undercover to kick the asses of a biker gang led by actor Lance Henriksen, who, says Time Out London, “steals the movie from under Bosworth’s nose.”
2. Michael Jordan, “Space Jam”
A listless MJ treated the $80 million Warner Bros. production like it was a Hanes commercial. “O erro mais grave dos roteiristas foi confundir a identidade do verdadeiro astro do filme,” quips Pablo Villaca of Cinema em Cena. “a história deveria girar em torno de Pernalonga, e não de Michael Jordan.” Meanwhile, in kitschy asshole ironic news, the “Space Jam” website still exists and has apparently been left untouched since its 1996 launch.
3. Dennis Rodman, “Double Team”
“The pinnacle of suck,” wrote critic Scott Weinberg in 2005. “Exactly as bad as you’d imagine a Van Damme-Rodman collaboration to be,” said Rob Thomas (Capital Times) in 2004. Rotten Tomatoes rates this sucker at 11 percent. But, where Dennis Rodman failed at make-believe, he soon learned how much more valuable he is to the vapid world of reality television. He also gave a recent interview to Howard Stern about how he broke his dick during a super-crazy sex session. So, don’t feel too bad for the NBA retiree.
4. Shaquille O’Neal, “Kazaam”
This abortion of a children’s movie is hardly the only piece of evidence that argues Shaq belongs nowhere near a film production set. Director William Friedkin, storytelling master who’s responsible for arguably the greatest crime drama in American history, couldn’t set the then-Orlando Magic center straight on the set of “Blue Chips.” But “Kazaam” hardly succeeds on the so-bad-it’s-good level. Honestly, try to watch it. “Mr. O’Neal, who can carry a basketball team,” writes the NY Times, “lacks the charisma to rescue this misguided effort.”
5. Brett Favre, “There’s Something About Mary”
It’s a weird thing to criticize someone who was cast to play himself and did a piss-poor job. But, just because you’re the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers in real life, that doesn’t mean it translates on screen when surrounded by fictitious characters. (See “Space Jam.”) Though, performance aside, because the Farrelly brothers’ 1998 masterpiece is so absurd, his awkward nature on screen actually works within the context of the movie. There’s no explanation why Mary would be with any of these other dudes except for the fact that they weren’t Ben Stiller’s nebbishe character in the first place … I have no idea what I’m talking about.
6. Dan Marino, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”
Fun fact: Paula Poundstone was Marino’s personal stylist on the set. (Not true.)
7. Howie Long, “Broken Arrow”
Depicting a military grunt doesn’t exactly require a three-dimensional character, but you know acting’s a bad side-gig when a sound edit gets named “The Howie Long Scream” and it wasn’t even you who screamed it in the first place. True story.
8. Hulk Hogan, “Mr. Nanny”
Does Hulk Hogan really count as an athlete? Also, does “Mr. Nanny” really count as an actual movie? Just watch Hulkster pretend to walk into a cabinet at the 0:38 mark. Unacceptable.
9. Wilt Chamberlain, “Conan the Destroyer”
Wilt the Stilt’s first, last and only attempt at acting wasn’t as memorable as basically any single NBA game the Hall of Famer ever played. He was killed off in the end and pretty much may have killed off the entire franchise.
10. Lyle Alzado, “Destroyer”
One thing about the L.A. Raiders defensive end’s acting career — you know he didn’t give a rat’s ass. The retiree just needed loot, which is why he showed up as the titular maniac in the 1988 action flick “Destroyer” as well as episodes of “MacGyver” and “Dragnet.” R.I.P.