10 movies that only exist inside of movies that we wish were real

10 movies that only exist inside of movies that we wish were real

Jun 3, 2013

Films within films. Make them real, Hollywood.

1. The French Mistake

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Throw out your hands, stick out your tush — the production quality was amazing in Mel Brooks’s nelly throwback to “The Gold Diggers of 1933.” It’s a shame, however, that the ruffians of Rock Ridge had to come crashing through the Warner Bros. sound stage and ruin the uplifting musical for film hisotry. (Case in point: We really don’t know what the title of the movie would have been. “The French Mistake” was merely one cheeky dance number.) Now, sadly, here is all the footage that remains.

2. Logjammin’

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So that we may finally find out if Karl Hungus, in fact, fixes the cable.

3. Cleopatra Schwartz

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In “a hellish inferno of unrelenting desire,” fictitious producer Samuel L. Bronkowitz had the divine wisdom to win both African-American and Hasidic audiences for this action-packed late ’70s fare. Too bad it was only a sketch from the Zucker brothers’ “Kentucky Fried Movie.” Because I could handle 90 minutes of that.

4. The Hot Wet Wife

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The title of Clark Griswold’s gonzo verite, bootlegged to much fanfare across Western Europe, had multiple English translations. According to the “National Lampoon’s European Vacation” IMDb page, “the scene where Ellen sees the billboard with her picture on it advertising the stolen homemade porno flick, there are three different versions of the subtitles that explain the title. One is ‘The Wet Hot Wife,’ which appeared on the laserdisc version. Another was ‘The Slut in the Showers,’ which appeared in some televised versions. And the final was ‘The Whore in the Hot Tub,’ which appeared on one of the VHS incarnations.”

5. The Fatties: Fart 2

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If the Ex-Lax orgy from “Hamburger: The Motion Picture” proved anything, it’s that American audiences love superhuman strength flatulence. But can our modern, sophisticated civilization tolerate 90-plus minutes of gassy gags? Well, we made it through Tim and Eric’s shrim bath, didn’t we? I’m up to “Tropic Thunder’s” challenge.

6. Angels with Filthy Souls

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Ralph Foody, one of many go-to blue collar grunts for ’80s Hollywood, sadly passed away back in 1999. Otherwise, his master depiction of the heavy within “Home Alone’s” ultra-violent gangster flick would have made him a household name. At least I hope he got mad royalties.

7. Conan the Librarian

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Weird Al Yankovic’s unsung satire on the movie industry offered a cornucopia of awful ideas which Hollywood could have spun off. But did they adapt this homicidal maniac’s obsession with the Dewey Decimal System? For shame, they did not.

8. Rocky 5000

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This is exactly the sort of uplifting, everyman-overcomes-adversity melodrama I’d want to see after hearing the sad news of a “Spaceballs” gangster who ate himself to death.

9. Big Breasted Girls Go to the Beach and Take Their Tops Off

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Albeit an obviously paper-thin plot and two-dimensional characters, the West coast party movie stuck inside 1988′s “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” would have made for a bittersweet swan song to an era of American cinema soon to have been crushed by the Clinton Era’s P.C. Movement.

10. The Night the Reindeer Died

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Lee Majors is still around. His holiday shoot-em-up from “Scrooged” even has its own Facebook page. So get crackin’, Paramount. A built-in audience awaits.


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