US Weekly is deeply concerned about Tyra Banks’ bacon thievery
In what can only be described as the most astounding feat of investigative journalism since Bill Dedman’s “The Color of Money,” US Weekly has delved deep into the Twitter feed of supermodel-turned-entrepreneur Tyra Banks to uncover her deepest, darkest secret:
Tyra Banks has got a bacon jones.
And it’s very serious, you see, because according to Tyra’s tweets, she has even gone so far as to consider stealing leftover bacon from another table at a restaurant.
Banks’ bacon obsession reached an all-time high on June 15. “Lady eating bacon next to me. She just got up and left two pieces. Should I. . .?” she asked. Miss J Alexander, former runway coach on America’s Next Top Model, swiftly replied, “No! Don’t you dare! Damn, I think it’s too late.”
IS IT TOO LATE? I mean, must we all be concerned for our own bacon? Is Tyra on a bacon thieving rampage? What are we going to do after Tyra Banks steals all of the bacon and there is no bacon left for anybody? Will Tyra Banks have to go to bacon rehab? What hath Tyra wrought?
One can only assume that Ms. Banks’ superpower, her ability to smize on cue, is in fact powered by bacon. She must eat all of the bacon, or she will no longer be able to smize.
Thankfully, for those of us whose inner peace depends upon Tyra Banks remaining thin and fit, US Weekly does in fact report that she is hitting the treadmill to counter those excess calories. Phew!