crash

Oscar-winning movies no one cares about

Nov 14, 2013

They each had their special night. Then, they went away.

1. Avatar
stupid Oscar winning movies no one cares about
James Cameron’s nine-hour screen saver bagged approximately $14 trillion at the box office in its first two days, but the minute everyone left the theater (long before Oscar night) nobody spoke of “Avatar” ever again–pretty much because everyone got up to pee seven times during their respective screenings. Awards were handed out for Cameron’s “epic” so that Academy members could keep their jobs. [IMDb]

2. Oliver!
oliver twist Oscar winning movies no one cares about
Not only was this Best Picture winner a freaking musical about an orphan, but it was based on the works of the great Charles Dickens. Did it even register a footnote in the canon of all things Dickensian? There’s a number where the kids are screaming “Food! Glorious Food!” throughout the orphanage for chrissakes. [IMDb]

3. Chicago
chicago Oscar winning movies no one cares about
Rob Marshall’s vapid karaoke jam opened the door for a decade of meaningless musicals and costume dramas. It won six Academy Awards in a year that celebrated so many bland movies (“Adaptation,” “”The Quiet American,” “Gangs of New York,” “The Hours,” “The Two Towers”) and managed to avoid acknowledging arguably some of the decade’s best (“25th Hour,” “City of God,” “Insomnia,” “Lovely and Amazing,” “All or Nothing,” the list goes on). [IMDb]

4. Crash
crash 585x365 Oscar winning movies no one cares about
The minute after Jack Nicholson ripped open the envelope at the 2005 Academy Awards, everyone in the room knew voters chickened out on giving the night’s truly deserved winner, “Brokeback Mountain,” the Best Picture award. Rather than applauding the cowboy romance as a bold statement toward society’s struggle with accepting homosexuality, Academy members took the safe route and acknowledged a contrived Hallmark card of a movie that’s supposed to explain why we’re all racist. You haven’t spoken to anyone about this movie in a decade. “Brokeback,” meanwhile, remains part of the zeitgeist. [IMDb]

5. Chariots of Fire
Chariots Of Fire 2 585x329 Oscar winning movies no one cares about
I’ve never seen “Chariots of Fire” but it’s safe to assume the 1982 Best Picture winner is about a gay gangbang on the beach. The theme song to which, BTW, has yet to have received a dubstep remix. So obviously it did not resonate in the Internet Age. [IMDb]

6. Death Becomes Her
top24 585x365 Oscar winning movies no one cares about
Robert Zemeckis’s feature-length spin on what may as well have been a “Tales from the Crypt” episode beat out epic franchises–both “Batman Returns” and “Alien3″–for Best Visual Effects at the 65th annual Academy Awards. It was never brought up in a single conversation ever again. Which is sad because it’s pretty awesome. [IMDb]

7. The Artist
farty Oscar winning movies no one cares about
If you scroll through all 96 the nominees for the 84th Academy Awards‘s Best Picture, you’ll slink into a nice mid-afternoon snooze. Then, when you wake, you’ll realize how stupid this silent forgettable managed to win. Which is to say, every movie nominated for Best Picture that year is totally not worth retaining in one’s memory. Except maybe “Moneyball.” Except for the parts where Brad Pitt listens to his daughter play guitar. [IMDb]

8. Dances With Wolves
wolves 585x366 Oscar winning movies no one cares about
Kevin Costner’s uniform porn took the Best Picture Oscar in 1990, but the movie everyone remembers, knows and loves from that year is no doubt Martin Scorsese’s “GoodFellas.” Meanwhile, MGM’s released of the 10-hour extended cut of Costner’s historical drama is available for $2.88 on Amazon. [IMDb]

9. Million Dollar Baby
clint 585x390 Oscar winning movies no one cares about
Clint Eastwood’s boxing drama picked up Best Actor, Actress, Director and Best Picture Oscars at a time when Hollywood was on Dirty Harry’s sack for reasons beyond the moviewatching world outside of Los Angeles. Now, if you ask somebody about boxing movies, a moviegoer with any taste is more likely to recollect James Toback’s “Tyson” documentary before this weepy mediocrity. (Or at least they should.) [IMDb]

10. Ordinary People
ord Oscar winning movies no one cares about
Robert Redford’s who-gives-a-shit drama about White People Problems beat “Raging Bull,” “Coal Miner’s Daughter” and “The Elephant Man” for Best Picture. None of the ensemble’s careers saw a surge after awards’ night. [IMDb]

Around the Web
Comments