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Former groupies share their wildest, grossest stories

Nov 18, 2013

If you like reading about awkward, desperate sex you’re in luck, because on Saturday, a thread on Reddit blew up in which former groupies shared their stories. Here’s a collection of the highlights, including a pregnant woman drinking with Pitbull, a member of Dave Matthews band shitting in their own underwear and then tossing it off a balcony (shudder), and an orgy with the entire jam band Moe (double shudder).

One caveat: These stories were posted pseudo-anonymously to the internet, so their legitimacy is highly questionable (though no less fun to read).

Drake:

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“As a ‘groupie’ in Miami, I’ve had access to many stars bedrooms. Most memorable was Drake. I met him at a hookah place down in Miami, and at the time had NO idea who he was…his music isn’t really my style, but I thought I recognized him from tv. He called me over to his table for a smoke and some vodka. After a few drinks, he convinced me to go back to his condo he had in town. You would think with all his security around, he would have a driver, but no, he drove himself to the club and home. When we got to his condo he was offering some wine and smoke. After smoking, we started heavy making out. Then he pushed my head down to suck him. I didn’t mind, I was high. From there, it went to the bedroom, and let me tell you. Boy knows what he’s doing in bed. He’s very much a pleaser, but he does get off on being a bit rough. He was a gentleman the whole time. I left the next morning, while he was still sleeping for my walk (ride) of shame home. We text every once in a while now, nothing serious. C’est la vie. 2 years ago, and it feels like a lifetime ago.” (via crazybia)

“Alright I grew with a girl (our parents are best friends) who was regularly banging Drake. Not as emotional in the bedroom as you might think but apparently very needy. He apparently lasts FOR HOURS. So much so that she got tired once and another friend of ours had to prop her up so he could continue to hit it from the back. :/” (via bambamyo)

A$AP Rocky:

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“Not me, but a friend had sex with A$AP Rocky last year when he was in town for a show. Apparently it was pretty normal, except that he asked her if he could come on a bruise that was on her thigh from an unrelated accident. He did. I picture it sort of like a bullseye type deal..for a bruise. That’s all I have on that incident.” (via djerz)

A member of (presumably) One Direction:

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“So not a groupie as such, but one of my friends is mates with a certain member of a certain boyband that is insanely popular right now. So we went to a gig of theres and afterwards went backstage to hang out with them. This certain member of said band spent the night chatting to me and buying me drinks (well I assume when I say he bought me drinks, the concert organiser did). Anywho still really nice of him. Anyways we end up hanging outside alone, and we make out. He takes me off in his car, my friend by this point had gotten bored and gone home. We pulled up a ways away from his flat just in case of photographers and shit. And we walked back, I tried to look casual. We got back, fucked and fell asleep. Next morning we had breakfast then I left. I didn’t want his number cause I couldn’t deal with the bullshit. Oh yeah did I mention I’m a guy? (via trowwayk)

Pitbull:

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“[Pitbull] strolled in with two women that were both at least a head taller than him, and one of them was REEALLY pregnant. His burly crew of tatted up, ex-linebackers filled their tables with TRAYS of shots of whiskey. I mean, probably two dozen shots per tray and there were at least a dozen trays for only about 10 people… and I know his bodyguards weren’t drinking.

When the pregnant broad lit up a cigarette after about her second drink I had to remove myself from the room. One of my boyfriend’s assistants asked me if he thought we should just shove her down the stairs to save her the trouble.” (via fibglib)

Quentin Tarantino:

Quentin Tarantino Césars 2011 Former groupies share their wildest, grossest stories

“Not a musician, but a friend of mine hooked up with Tarantino. She met him at a party and they went to his place, after making out he asked if he could suck her toes and jerk off. She said yes. The next morning he did it without asking. She said he was nice and she’s kinda glad they didn’t have set because she would have said no anyway.” (via glompulin)

Creed:

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“Guy I used to be friends with told me a story about a woman he worked with. She left her husband, and 3 kids, to go follow around… Creed. She was a huge Scott Stapp fan, apparently.” (via TheUsher)

Ylvis:

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“Ylvis. This was before they got real big. It was the worst threesome I ever particpated in.” (via beanhitch)

Dave Matthews Band:

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“After a concert with a world famous band…me and my sister got the chance to hang out backstage. Dont know how, but we ended up eating at a restaurant nearby where the singer of the group lit up a joint.

We headed back to my parents’ house where I fell asleep while some…activity took place right next to my room.

Basically, my [sister] probably fucked the singer while this other random nerdy girl lost her virginity to the fat saxophonist with the dreadlocks.

Next morning a condom was ducktaped near the entrance of my building with a note saying something like ” blah blah..who the fuck did this please dont”.

Most importantly…a pair of underpants full of shit as well was ejected from my balcony.

Twist: I am probably sure I was 13 at the time so that makes my sister 16.” (via RubberDong)

Adam Lambert:

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“A friend gave me a ticket to an Adam Lambert concert. I talked to one of his backup dancers on twitter and he invited me to fool around in the hot tub backstage. Seriously- there was a hot tub and a sauna backstage. Everyone was wasted. Adam was making out with a blonde twink and his bass player was fucking some girl in the sauna. Dancer kid finger-banged me and I gave him a blowjob in front of everyone. I also saw Adam Lambert’s dick; it’s huge. Then the tour manager comes backstage and yells “GET THE FUCK ON THE BUS!” and everyone scrambles to put clothes on and we ride the elevator soaking wet to street level and they climb on the bus and leave.” (via ThrowawayGroupie)

Lil Wayne:

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“I know a girl who slept with Lil Wayne, and had his baby. It was a pretty big scandal in my city, but he was here when she gave birth. Saw her out a few times with the baby afterwards, but not in a few years. I believe she moved away to Georgia, or something.” (via chasingthunder)

Moe (the entire band):

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“The band moe. played a show in our town, and when they went to leave, their van wouldn’t start. It was late as hell and my friend had been hanging out with them, and offered for them to stay at his place that night instead of having to pay for a hotel. they took him up on it and the gang (moe., my friend, and his live in girlfriend, who my friend loved with all his damn heart) all partied even later into the night. My friend passed out in his room with his lady while the band settled in in the living room. Suddenly, my friend woke up to strange sounds, and realized his girlfriend was no longer in bed. He went to investigate and found his girlfriend being gang banged by moe. on his couch. He flipped out and told the band to get the fuck out, and they totally didn’t understand why. He and his girlfriend broke up over it and last time he talked to me about it, he was still pissed, still hates that band, and still is sort brokenhearted over it. This was many, many years ago, and moe. has a pretty big following in my town for a shitty jam band. (via unhollierthanthou)

AJ McLean (Backstreet Boys):

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“A girl I worked with slept with AJ MacLean from the Backstreet Boys. Afterwards, he kept sending her photos of his penis.” (via ntc1986)

Someone in a band on Victory Records:

victoryrecords Former groupies share their wildest, grossest stories

“I dated a guy in a pretty well-known indie rock band that was signed to Victory Records. I was 20 and he approached me at a small after party and eventually asked for my phone number. He called me that night and we started texting/emailing every day for about 4 months. Then I flew to his hometown for the holidays and met his family. Like, had dinner at his parent’s house, then watched TV with his family and made awkward small-talk. It was SUPER WEIRD and the whole thing ended the day I left.

I was over the moon because he was really cute, nice, and it seemed like a normal guy I would have met on campus with the way he interacted with me. I also (obviously) liked his band, so the whole thing was surreal. There was nothing pretentious or ‘rockstar-ish’ to how he carried himself. But looking back on it, I wish I never did it.

When I went to stay with him, he lived with his band, so I stayed at their house for a week. I had no idea he was a complete pothead until I got there. It was awful. All they did was smoke weed to the point where he couldn’t even carry on a conversation. He would wake up, smoke, then go back to sleep. He turned out to be literally the most boring person on earth because he was just high all the time, and not in a fun way.” (via RecyclingAway)

Jared Fogel (Subway spokesperson): 

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“My friend sucked Jared from subways penis on a cruise. It wasn’t a foot long.” (via tinytoast4)

h/t Reddit

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