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All the gay people are breaking Ted Cruz’s heart by trying to get married

Feb 18, 2014

GOD, LGBT people, marriage destroyers and liberal agenda-havers, why are you being so cruel to Ted Cruz with all your demands for equality and whatnot? Did you not ever think about how you, a person who has never met nor interacted with Ted Cruz, marrying someone of the same sex might affect Ted Cruz? Did you think about how you getting married might affect his constitutional liberties? No, you selfish bitches, you did not.  And it is breaking his heart.

Cruz spoke with right-wing radio host Janet Mefferd yesterday about his newfangled State Marriage Defense Act, which would protect the rights of states to not allow gay people to get married. He is very upset that LGBT people and their supporters are trying to “subvert the Democratic system” by not allowing the majority to vote on whether or not they can have rights. Ted Cruz, of course, would be fine with people voting on whether or not he should have rights, for that is the way this country works.

“Instead they just want to use brute power to force the states to take down marriage laws that have been in place for centuries. And that’s inconsistent with the constitution, and it’s not right and it’s heartbreaking”

HEARTBREAKING. Do you hear that? Heartbreaking. You are using your brute power to break Ted Cruz’s heart. Besides, why would we ever change laws about marriage when we have never done so before?

While he concedes that LGBT people and allies “can have their views,” he would much prefer that they “have patience” and wait until Ted Cruz and others become OK with the idea of them getting married, which we predict will occur on the 12th of Never.

Cruz, who may or may not be a half-cooked gingerbread man, also encouraged Mefferd’s audience to pray against marriage equality in hopes that God will step in and put a stop to all of this madness.

“I think the most important thing your listeners can do is simply pray because we need a great deal of prayer because marriage is really being undermined by a concerted effort and it’s causing significant harm.”

Yes. It is definitely causing significant harm. How? We’re not sure, but perhaps Ted Cruz is having marriage troubles as a result of all of this. He cannot even look at his wife the same way, knowing that somewhere in this very country, some gay person is allowed to jointly file taxes with their significant other.

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