The 10 worst kinds of Tinder photos
Oh Tinder, the tech kindling for modern love. Spawned from Grindr, an app for gay people which facilitates hooking up by proximity (it’s like last call at an internet dive bar), Tinder seeks to match up sexy singles (both gay and straight) for awkward coffee dates galore.
It’s like rapid fire OKCupid without any of the witty lies—just a few simple photos of yourself are all that’s required. No creativity is necessary. Which begs the question: Why are so many of the photos so awful? You had but one job.
1. Wearing a fedora
If they sell them in stacks at the Walgreens next to condoms and candy bars, it’s probably not a bankable fashion choice. Maybe they think it conveys a sense of rugged mystery, like: What the hell was he thinking? If you’d like to update your brand of nauseating head adornment, might I suggest a beanie?
Bonus points if you’re handling a firearm, because nothing says “true love” like “at the slightest provocation I could easily turn this into a hostage situation.”
2. Driving a sick sports car
Listen, the first time I ever heard that joke about what you must be compensating for with your flashy car was from MY MOM about fifteen years ago. Everyone is laughing at you. And if you’re so terribly disfigured, poorly endowed or lacking a personality that you think your sick ride is going to make up for it, well you really seem like you’d be better suited finding love on MTV.
3. Working out
One important thing to remember about Tinder is that the only photos you’re allowed to display have to be current or former Facebook profile pictures. So if your photo features you at the gym, you’re not just suggesting to potential mates that you like to brag about getting swoll, but to everyone you know. If you have no problem making your poor old Great Aunt Sue look at you looking at yourself at Planet Fitness, you need another protein shake, not a girlfriend.
4. Holding puppies
Girls freaking love puppies, a fact all too often exploited. Now if the picture is of you and your actual dog, kudos, that pit bull sitting trustingly by your side at your local fair trade coffee shop is fine with me and everyone else. But the only thing we’re noticing in all those pics with your mom’s new puppy like some kind of cheap bait, is the, “omg, bitches are gonna love this,” look on your face. Put the puppy down, and pick up your class on the way out.
Akin to the gym photo, but somehow worse without the context. There is a grain of humility in the gym photo. It implies that you understand the value of hard work. The flex photo is just sheer vanity at its least artistic. These guys are also typically inclined to commit all of the Tinder photo sins, because if you think you look that good, you know you’d look even better in a fedora while driving a sports car.
6. Posing with other hoez
This is just simple flawed logic. You assume you’re advertising yourself as being wanted, therefore other women will want you. Yeesh. First of all, you’re telling the world that you hang out with the kind of women that like to rub their tits on their friends and make duck faces in photos. Men (née boys) who keep that kind of company should exist only on reality television. Second, this is just another double standard, because you know you’re swiping left on every girl who has a profile picture with another man.
7. Obviously lying about your age
This is an instant cringe. You precisely set your age barometer to only show you men from 25-40 (more options, more choices, y’all), and up pops grandpa, just living it the hell up at “39.” Your brain then involuntarily imagines (because brains are weird) him feeding you at a restaurant, or naked, or on a balcony, and you wake up on the floor twenty minutes later, your cat licking your face. It’s fine to fish for sugar babies, but much like how you still use an AOL email address, you’re using the wrong system.
8. Posing with celebrities
Of course most of them are probably going to be with Lindsay Lohan, and no girl wants to go where that girl has been before. But if said photo is taken with any other celebrity, you’re really the kind of person that’s going to drunk waddle up to Mario Lopez at a bar and ask for a photo? What you think it makes you look like: Friends with celebrities. What it really makes you look like: A douchebag.
This also includes pictures with celebrity wax statues. Yes, people do this, and yes, it’s pretty much the saddest thing ever.
9. Hanging out at the club
Image: The Berry
OMG you love to get totally wasted and take pictures looking like an asshole who seemingly spends the whole night absentmindedly pointing at random things, and put them up for everyone to see!? Me too! Can’t wait to stand in line with you for an hour to get into SupperClub.
10. With a baby
The worst version of this is when the note below says “not my baby! lol!” Because women are just so ruled by their wombs that the mere sight of a child will make us grab onto your d-piece for dear life. But in case that said child is yours, shouldn’t the fruit of your loins be something you delicately reveal over a cheese plate? This is even worse than dick pix that say “wanna help me with this?” because you’re implying the same thing, but with a baby.
And, worst case scenario, you just making us worry that if we swipe right, we’ll be put on some kind of child predator list.
Image: Digital Trends