Dick Cheney has had five heart attacks since 1978. His heart failure on Thursday called for a left ventricular assist device, LVAD for short, a device that pretty much does the muscle work for his heart and keeps it pumping. But the best cure for heart failure is a straight up transplant, and Dick is considering it. Though Cheney is one of the last people that deserves a transplant, he is probably also one of the first people I would think of that needs a new heart. So doctors, maybe you should stop keeping the old one running and give him a new one. In fact, this should have happened a long time ago. Here is a list of other people that should probably get heart transplants to make the world a better place. Dick Cheney has had five heart attacks since 1978. His heart failure on Thursday called for a left ventricular assist device, LVAD for short, a device that pretty much does the muscle work for his heart and keeps it pumping. But the best cure for heart failure is a straight up transplant, and Dick is considering it. Though Cheney is one of the last people that deserves a transplant, he is probably also one of the first people I would think of that needs a new heart. So doctors, maybe you should stop keeping the old one running and give him a new one. In fact, this should have happened a long time ago. Here is a list of other people that should probably get heart transplants to make the world a better place.
Fred Phelps is the founder of he Westboro Baptist church who pretty much preaches about how bad gay people are and believes that all the world’s natural disasters are just God punishing us for tolerating gays. He and his posse can often be found bashing gay pride parades and interrupting funerals. This man needs a new heart, then he can finally relax in a hospital and appreciate the talk show wonder that is Ellen. No wonder he’s so angry all the time: he doesn’t dance every afternoon around 4pm with a well-dressed lesbian.
Sara Palin. OK, so it could be argued that she has a good ol’ Christian heart and really only wants to be God-fearing and good, but I argue that she at least needs a new brain to start with. Her outsides look pretty good, though.
Mel Gibson He hates Jews and hot women. WTF? Mel Gibson has pretty much dug himself into a hole that could only be fixed by publicly getting a new heart. Maybe this is all just him freaking out because he is significantly uglier than he was in Mad Max. Maybe Mel should look for plastic surgery as well.
Bono Okay, this is kind of the reverse. I was just thinking, “Maybe we could actually remove Bono’s heart and give it to someone less douchey?” His douchbaggery kind of lessens all the cool humanitarian stuff he’s accomplished. The glasses…
Hugh Hefner Well, I mean, he actually needs a new heart.
