GOP lawmaker doubles down on anal sex obsession
For an ostensibly straight dude, South Dakota State Rep. Steve Hickey (R-Your Butt) spends a lot of time thinking about gay men having sex. Last week, he was ridiculed for penning a bizarre op-ed condemning both gay sex and trans* rights, delightfully titled “A One Way Alley for the Garbage Truck.” He had wanted to publish it in The Argus Leader, but was politely turned down.
The op-ed called for South Dakota doctors to come out and criticize the practice of anal sex, which he a) believes must be harmful, and b) thinks is a thing only gay men are into.
Certainly there are board-certified doctors in our state who will attest to what seems self-evident to so many: gay sex is not good for the body or mind. Pardon a crude comparison but regarding men with men, we are talking about a one-way alley meant only for the garbage truck to go down. Frankly, I’d question the judgment of doctor who says it’s all fine.
Doctors, being more knowledgeable about this than a Republican state congressman having fever dreams about gay sex, do say that it’s fine and perfectly safe as long as you take proper precautions (like lube)–which, obviously, is not what Hickey wants to hear.
Hickey also requested that gay people should like, just not have sex. Maybe just hold hands or something. Play Parcheesi.
For this essay, Hickey was lambasted across social media and on John Oliver’s “Last Week Tonight,” which encouraged Twitter users to employ the hashtag #analhickey. Which, let’s just say it, is pretty perfect. When contacted about this, Hickey told “Talking Points Memo” that he was “a little sore” and kind of “bummed” that people didn’t understand that he just wanted to help people with “genetic breakdowns.” Which I guess is what he considers being gay or transgender. Nice.
In response, Dr. Kevin Weiland, who has run for Congress as a Democrat, sent an op-ed to The Argus Leader (which they did publish), explaining that not only were Hickey’s words hurtful, but they were entirely wrong.
Instead of offering an apology, as is the trend these days, Hickey decided to do an interview with The Argus Leader, the newspaper that had originally turned down his op-ed.
In the interview, Hickey had some words of his own for Dr. Weiland:
“And here’s what I’d like to ask Dr. Weiland. Do you tell your patients to wash their hands before they eat? Why? Because you touch a doorknob and you don’t want to get it inside your body. I hesitate to get crude again, but Dr. Weiland, is it OK for, you know, eight of your friends that you’re in love with to take a dump in your bed and then you can sleep in it all year long?”
Well, who’s anal now? Seriously. Like there is a comparison between anal sex and inviting people over to take a dump in your bed. I think this dude is just bitter about the fact that other people are having way better sex than he’s having. Really. Just look at him in this hat:
That is specifically not the hat of a man having awesome sex. It’s like a chastity belt one wears on their head. It’s an indisputable fact that absolutely no one is getting freaky with the dude in the freaking tricorn hat. Not happening. At least anyone who’s not getting paid for it.
Given the way these things almost always work out, we’re totally going to find out in a minimum of a few months that Steve Hickey hires girls to sit on balloons and pop them while wearing Ninja Turtles masks and humming the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” or something. It’s basically a universal law at this point.