Raëlian UFO cult responds to Pope Francis’s statement on alien baptisms
Earlier this week, Pope Francis announced that, in the event that we ever do make contact with extraterrestrial beings, he would be more than happy to baptize him some martians. Or, you know, Venusians or Jupiter…ians or whatever. He stated, specifically “When the Lord shows us the way, who are we to say, ‘No, Lord, it is not prudent! No, let’s do it this way’. Who are we to close doors?”
Yes, who are we indeed to close doors? Except, you know, to gay people and women who might aspire to be priests.
Anyway, our nation’s top UFO cult, the Raëlians (no disrespect the ever-so-fashionable Unarians, of course, but they’re not so much around anymore), have now weighed in on this proposal. Unsurprisingly, they do not approve. Since the Raëlians believe that all of the things human beings worship as gods are actually aliens, they believe it would be more up to the aliens to baptize Pope Francis. Or something.
Upon hearing that Pope Francis said he would welcome aliens at the Vatican and even baptize them, the spiritual leader of the International Raelian Movement has issued a correction.
“There will be no need to baptize those he calls “aliens” when they decide to come back,” Rael said in a statement released today by the IRM. “They are the ones who created all religions on Earth, and they were mistakenly taken for gods. Instead of offering them baptism, the pope will have to acknowledge that they are the gods he has been praying to all along.”
IRM spokesperson Brigitte Boisselier, Ph.D, explained that according to Raelian philosophy, all forms of life on Earth were created by the Elohim, highly advanced human beings from another planet.
“They came from another planet and made us in their image,” she said. “The original, Hebrew Bible clearly states that ‘Elohim’ created life on Earth, but this word ‘Elohim’ is in the plural form, not the singular. It means ‘those who came from the sky.’ It was later mistranslated into the singular form, ‘god,’ which led to monotheist religions like Catholicism.”
There is an easy solution for those who really want to know the truth, according to Boisselier.
“By reading the original Bible without the distortion of the monotheist filter, anyone can access the information the Elohim wanted us to preserve,” she said. “Evidence of the their work is worldwide, and we ourselves are becoming creators as new forms of life are now being conceived and created in our laboratories. The arrogance of the pope in wishing to baptize those who sent Jesus shows the level of his ignorance.”
Yahweh, leader of the Elohim, gave Rael important information in 1973, Boisselier said.
“Among other things, Yahweh was highly critical of the Vatican,” Boisselier said, adding that people can read all of Yahweh’s Messages for themselves in Rael’s book “Intelligent Design,” downloadable for free at rael.org.
For those of you unschooled in the world of bizarre UFO cults, the Raelians are led by Rael, a former “sports-car journalist” and singer, and they are really into topless ladies, cloning and aliens. They believe in the resurrection of Jesus Christ through a scientific cloning process. I suggest you wait until you have a few spare hours before you start your venture into that particular internet black hole because, really, there’s just so much there.