Macaulay Culkin gets bottled for being a hipster

Macaulay Culkin gets bottled for being a hipster

May 27, 2014

Macaulay Culkin just got bottled off the stage in England. It was the proper response by UK music fans–something we should have done last year–when the Pizza Underground was forcing bad hipster comedy into New York clubs that were seduced by the smell of cardboard, melted cheese, a former child-star drug vapors.

Now, the self-entitled brat has flown overseas and smeared America’s “cool factor,” whatever was left of it, by covering it in gooey processed cheese and pig fat–then, dousing it in cheap beer.

One song into their set at UK’s Dot to Dot Festival over the weekend, Macaulay Culkin’s The Pizza Underground, a pizza-themed Velvet Underground parody group, got nailed with flying pints of beer. Not long after that, they were jeered off the stage at Rock City“Why are you throwing those? I’d rather drink them,” Culkin said in that whiny spoiled-rich-kid voice we’ve been accustomed to since like, 1990, when Home Alone was big.
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The Brits apparently found the whole thing a sodding mockery of rock ‘n’ roll that has no place at a music festival (Pizza Underground is also booked for Riot Fest). The crowd in Nottingham tried to get into it at first, but after 15-minutes of nonsensical lyrics and trite PR tactics (handing out pizza to the crowd to get them “into it”) the whole thing fell apart.

Someone in the crowd described the scene: “It just sounds awful. I can’t believe he is doing this. Why bother? It must go down well in America or something.”

Last year, when Macaulay Culkin decided to get stoned and record a demo with the Pizza Underground, it seemed comical at first (especially if you were a stoned hipster with no job). For a moment there, it seemed as if Culkin was making a comeback in the form of a self-deprecating former child star obsessed with Michael Jackson and black leather (think Corey Feldman). Now, he’s getting stoned, literally, for being unfunny and lame.
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It’s all turned into some fucked-up Andy Warhol practical joke, lacking all the genius of postmodernism. Hipsters who thought it was ironic for some millionaire celebrity to do this, are now seeing the result of allowing the Pizza Underground to become popular. Macaulay is even giving American hipsters a bad name with his performances.

And yes, this is just about Macaulay Culkin; anyone who thinks the Pizza Underground is a touring band because they’re somehow “interesting” is completely missing the point: The Pizza Underground is a freak show headlined by a former child star, supported by hipsters, and sold with free pizza.
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Some people think the whole incident at Rock City is just the result of a few drunken blokes who ruined it for everyone. The band concurred, sending a tweet about how a few people ruined the show. It was more telling than a few drunkards throwing beer, no, this was more like a political speech being interrupted by protesters seeking to expose the truth. And the truth hurts.

The Pizza Underground leaving the “underground” has made Americans look a little less punk rock; a tad bit less interesting; in one fell swoop, the dweeb who decided it was “postmodern” to stuff his face with a slice of pizza on YouTube, gave the Brits a new reason to laugh at our obsession with child stars in the realm of unbridled “hipsterdom.”

The bookers and PR folks for the Pizza Underground don’t seem hear the laughter dying out. The same people who were fascinated by Macaulay’s weird behavior are now growing tired of it. Is he a drug addict? Who cares—he’s not funny, and it took foreign beer projectiles to get Americans to realize that sometimes we don’t need to export our famous-people problems overseas.

And now this shit needs to be contained. Handing pizza out to the crowd won’t calm down the hate directed at the warped imagination of a famous (and mostly forgotten) former child star who decided “hey, ah, I wanna be in band, man.” He even colored his fingernails black and started dressing like Kurt Cobain. And it’s going to get even worse over the summer, but hopefully, the Pizza Underground can return to their headquarters at the “Hipster Gestapo” in Brooklyn without causing a riot.

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