You know what’s absolutely crummy about getting old? Loss of innocence.
Dreams and concepts that were once so wondrous—like Santa Claus or a steady job—crumble under the weight of reality, leaving precious few institutions that have not been tainted by maturation.
Despite a few new stories of ice cream trucks being used to deal drugs, the traveling confectioneries remain an integral part of the idyllic, immaculate American summer. Their absence creates a vacuum so massive that joy ceases to exist, a sad fact to which Pete, Pete and Michael Stipe can attest.*
With their frosty treats, flashing lights and annoying, yet endearing melodies, ice cream trucks appear immune to the slow decay of experience. Unless, of course, one’s childhood wasn’t so innocent.
Ice cream trucks don’t have a universal tune. Mr. Softee has his own signature song, while others take a more generic route. Most of the trucks I encounter in Brooklyn, however, offer a completely irritating and infectious version of “Do Your Ears Hang Low.” Here’s a video for aural reference.
Boys being boys, my male friends and I used to replace “Ears” with other parts of the anatomy, like “balls,” “dick” or “sack,” so one of our renditions would go a little something like this:
“Does your dick hang low, does it wobble to and fro?
Can you tie it in a knot?
Can you tie it in a bow?
Can you throw it over your shoulder, like a Continental soldier?
Does your dick hang low?”
At the time, my friends and I thought our lyrics were completely clever and subversive. Little did I know that we were right.
I work from home, so I hear ice cream truck pass at least a dozen time a day, each time with that same “Ears” tune. Each and every time, my inner child takes control and turns what should be a completely pristine experience, an icy summertime treat, into an exceptionally distracting, although just as delicious, day dream, because every time I think of the ice cream man, I think of sucking dick. Not that that’s a bad thing, but how am I supposed to eat a rocket pop with my mouth full?
*In case you don’t know, Michael Stipe once guest-starred on the excellent Nickelodeon show, The Adventures of Pete and Pete. In their special “Summer Vacation” episode, the beloved ice cream man Mr. Tastee disappears, and not even Stipe, playing boardwalk cream man Capt. Scummy, can help solve the mystery. People just lost their mind…
Here’s part three of the episode; Stipe shows up around the :20 second mark. You should watch it, then loop back for part one and part two so you can completely understand why the hell this show was so great.
Loading ...