Al Gore Sex Charges Cleared, But Happy Endings are Still the Ultimate Fantasy

Last week Al Gore received the ultimate celebrity gift: He beat sex assault charges. It’s always good to end July on a high note.

A Portland masseuse named Molly Hagerty accused Gore of indecent sexual behavior while he was receiving her services in 2006. The complaint highlighted Gore’s “inescapable embrace,” a compelling description that makes our former vice president sound more like Voldemort than Captain Planet.

Hagerty blabbed to the National Enquirer about the incident and managed to do a great job convincing law officers and the American public she was a total nut. The recently divorced Gore was “baffled” by the accusation.

I have no idea how many masseuses out there can claim, “I jerked off a Nobel Prize winner!” but can anyone assume this was an isolated incident? Take Hugh Grant for instance. Do you honestly think when he was caught with Divine Brown in 1995 that was the first time he got a blowjob from a hooker in the backseat of car?

The idea of getting a blow job from a street walker is revolting. But getting a hand job from a clean masseuse in a sterile, dimly-lit setting, Enya playing softly in the background, the smell of of apricot and jojoba oil lingering in the air — my god, this fantasy is super sonic. Which is probably why massage porn is pretty popular.

Go to any big porn aggregator, YouPorn, PornHub, and so on. Type “massage” into search, and you’ll see some fantastic imagery. Press the play button and you’ll see even more.

I’m no expert, as I’ve probably only watched massage porn roughly 1,372 times, but I can see Al Gore’s attraction to it. It’s the closed-offness and female “tee-hee, I think I touched your boner” subservience of the entire charade that’s so compelling.

God-willing, Hagerty is back to doing what she does best. But with his divorce and assault charges, it’s truly been a rough couple of weeks for Gore. I bet he could really use a massage.