Someone Please Stop “Lights, Camera, Jackson”

In Entertainment by Matt Kiebus / August 12, 2010

Johnson Murphy, an 11-year-old from Upstate New York, is a monster and needs to be stopped immediately.

Someone Please Stop Lights, Camera, Jackson

For those who haven’t heard of Murphy, a.k.a. Lights-Camera-Jackson or L.C.J., he is an obnoxious preteen movie critic who makes me want to jump off the George Washington Bridge.

L.C.J. is a perfect example of the need to stop a potentially world-crippling disease before it takes over your hometown. This nightmare of an 11-year-old is gaining fame for reviewing films with his trademark arm-flailing and in-your-face voice. Murphy has been reviewing films online since the age of seven and a half. He has made appearances on “Regis and Kelly,” “Today,” “Fox and Friends” and is a regular contributing critic to “The Early Show.”

New York Magazine’s Vulture blog described him as precocious. I’m describing him as fucking unbearable. He has been appearing on morning shows as a “cute kid” reviewing movies safe for housewives to take their children. He has a weekly column in his hometown paper, and a radio show that reaches over a million people.

L.C.J. is a 30-year-old in a little tyke’s body, and I’m afraid what he is capable of. Granted, I admire his effort and his ambitious nature, but this kid is intolerable and frankly not very good at his “hobby.”

Of course he thought “Inception” was confusing, he’s fucking eleven!

Murphy also gave “Extraordinary Measures,” starring Brendan Fraser and Harrison Ford, a B+ grade. This is a movie that could easily be confused with a “Hallmark Channel Original.”

Here are a few examples of how L.C.J.’s assessment stacks up next to the “top critics” rating on Rotten Tomatoes:

“Inception”
L.CJ.: C
“Because the movie is very complicated to follow, and kids (myself included) and probably many adults, just won’t get it.”
RT: 87%
He’s totally right. Christopher Nolan should be ashamed of himself for confusing his prepubescent audience.

“Sorcerer’s Apprentice”
L.C.J: C+
“The performances are solid: Cage keeps it low-key and Baruchel is pretty believable as a guy who suddenly discovers he has all these magical powers. Those two have some nice scenes together.”
RT: 43%
The Nick Cage I know never knows how to keep it “low-key.”

“Just Wright” 49%
L.C.J.: B
“Already this year, and in the months to come, most Hollywood releases have been or will be sequels, prequels, based on a book, a TV series, or remakes. Thankfully, every once in awhile, we still get a decent original film such as “Just Wright.”
RT: 49%
No seriously thank God for original films like “Just Wright.” “Inception” can’t touch its originality.

“G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra”
L.C.J.: B
“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” could’ve easily been called “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Special Effects”. About 90% of the movie is car chases, explosions, fighting scenes, flying scenes, and stunts (including one involving the Eiffel Tower). And none of it looks real, but you know what? That didn’t bother me.”
RT: 24%
Who would have thought G.I. Joe would have had special effects?

“Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince”
L.C.J: C
“In “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Harry and his friends return to Hogwarts for another year of schooling. Shouldn’t they all be in college by now you might ask? Well, actually, they’re in high school, and they’re all falling in love. A lot of the film deals with the romantic problems involving Harry, Ron and Hermione. And it’s all pretty silly.”
RT 88%
Forgive my Harry Potter geekishness, but there is no college in the wizarding world you twit! Stop reading Gene Schalit’s books and enjoy childhood.

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop”
L.C.J.: B+
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop” is one of the funniest films I’ve seen in a long time.“
RT: 32%
Nuff said.

“Swing Vote”
L.C.J.: B
“Swing Vote”, which came out in August, gives us a look at what could have happened in this past November’s presidential election.”
RT: 52%
It is totally realistic that an election could come down to Kevin Costner’s vote.

“Get Smart”
L.C.J.: B+
“Most of the 60’s TV comedies that Hollywood has made into feature films, such as “Bewitched” and “The Flintstones” have been disappointments with critics and at the box office. But Not “Get Smart”, which keeps you laughing from start to finish.”
RT: 53%
This film almost got as many laughs as “Evan Almighty.”

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
L.C.J.: B+
“This is the first “Indiana Jones” I’ve seen, so a few times during “Crystal Skull” I didn’t pick-up on some past references, but other than that I really enjoyed it. There’s almost non-stop action. And the plot is easy to follow. It’s basically good guys versus bad guys. You can tell that Steven Spielberg loved being back directing another “Indy” film.”
RT: 61%
If you haven’t seen a single Indiana Jones movie you don’t deserve to be a critic, I don’t care if you’re 11 or 35. If you haven’t seen a great movie, how do you know what a great movie is?

“Fred Claus”
L.C.J.: B
“I watched the trailers for “Fred Claus” for months before it came out in theaters last year and I wasn’t expecting very much from the movie. But, turned out, “Fred Claus” was definitely worth seeing, and it’s worth a viewing now that it’s out on video.”
RT: 19%
One of the worst Christmas movies ever.

Violence towards 11-year-olds in today’s culture is normally frowned upon. But I challenge you to watch this video of L.C.J. reviewing “Inception,” “Ramona and Beezus,” and “Salt” without seriously wanting to punch your computer screen and toss it out the window.

Morning talk shows are built on cute kids, celebrity interviews, vacation tips, and exposés on 10 deadly household products for your pets. So the fact that they have an 11-year-old kid reviewing movies isn’t a surprise. But he’s not a cute kid, he’s the kind of kid that’s pumped for math homework and hates dogs.

Yes, I just spent 900 words ragging on an 11-year-old, but if we don’t stop him soon we could have a problem of Joel Siegel (R.I.P.) proportions on our hands.