In Defense of Sarah Palin’s Twitter

As an abortion-loving, liberty-hating, latte-toting New York Jew, I often find myself in the position of explaining why I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter.

Usually, this defense is relaunched following Tweets like this one, in reference to the controversy over building a mosque near Ground Zero:

And this one, which shows an excellent grasp on the Morissettian concept of irony:

And, most recently, this one, which defends Dr. Laura‘s usage of the n-word on her radio show:

Now, I’m not going to use these little nuggets as a means of attacking Sarah Palin; there are plenty of more politically conscious, abortion-loving New York Jews who can do that better than I can.

So in lieu of a scathing editorial on the responsibilities of government officials and the omnipresence of social media and the divisiveness of the American party system and the shininess of Sarah Palin’s bangs, I will instead take the high road and defend the merits of Sarah Palin’s Twitter.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter for the same reason that straight women watch gay porn: just because you don’t eat at the restaurant doesn’t mean that you can’t hear the specials. I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because it’s always entertaining, often uncomfortable and occasionally remarkably inventive with the English language (again, similar to gay porn).

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because I take the Sun Tzu approach to warfare. I believe that to be a great leader of men, you must be capable of comprehending the “unfathomable plans” of your enemy, which is much more fun when your enemy uses unnecessary exclamation points and sports a Bump-It.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because I like to envision the looks on her handlers’ faces — fresh-faced idealists with degrees in poli sci and a collective sense of optimism about the future — while they sit at laptops, diligiently transcribing queef clouds of ignorance and complacency.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because I find these faces and what they represent — the feelings of soured idealism, thwarted ambition and the malaise of a mid-life crisis at the age of 27 — unspeakably amusing.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because it makes me, this (essentially apolitical) New York JAP, feel like fucking George Stephanopolous. I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because it cements the few political views that I have, and incenses me to the point where I go out of my way to acquire new ones.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter (and Facebook) because it confirms my preexisting notions of the NASCAR-watching, sister-fucking conservatives who support her, and because it subverts my preexisting notions of the NASCAR-watching, sister-fucking conservatives who don’t.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because unlike her, I support a woman’s right to choose, and I choose to follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because I support Dr. Laura’s 1st Amendment rights just as much as Sarah Palin does, because it provides a venue for these women to let the world know how batshit insane their beliefs are.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because I think it is important for that reason. I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because I think she is important for that reason.

I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because there’s only one thing that makes me more angry than a person relishing in their own narrow-mindedness, and that one thing is Sarah Palin’s Twitter. I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because anger is the only thing more powerful than Hope or Change or Big Oil; it’s more powerful than “folksy charm” or “family values” or “being more fuckable than Nancy Pelosi,” and I follow Sarah Palin’s Twitter because it’s this anger that will make apathetic New York Jews like myself put down the lattes/”Communist Manifestos”/abortion vacuums and start getting angry right back.