There are plenty of reasons people commit suicide — this is not one of them.
The list of normal triggers ranges from mental illness and clinical depression, to stress over mid-term exams and gambling your mortgage in Vegas. It’s a serious issue, to take one’s life. According to a report yesterday by the famed and internationally respected news outlet TMZ, music mogul Timberland was recently at serious risk of ending his life.
You might be wondering why a multi-millionaire music producer, known for his hit-making collaborations with Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry and Nelly Furtado would want to kill himself. Could it be his miserable idea to produce Chris Cornell’s solo album “Scream”?
Nope. The harsh reality of the situation is that Timberland’s $2 million watch from Jacob & Co. was stolen, leaving him very upset. So upset that he went for a drive without telling anyone where he was going!
Since we all know what happens to Charlie Sheen’s cars when they mysteriously go for a drive (they go flying off cliffs), the Los Angeles County Sherif’s Department was notified and immediately sprung to action.
The police department for the stars didn’t simply send a squad car out to keep a lookout for the possibly suicidal Timberland. Nah, Malibu doesn’t roll like that. L.A. and Malibu’s finest sent out a helicopter and a fleet of cars on a “hunt” for the man who helped Justin bring sexy back.
Yes, a helicopter and multiple squad cars—all because Timberland went for a drive to blow off some steam. *Multiple sources confirm that last Spring Timberland spent an hour in the bathroom after coming out on the losing end of an intense game of Madden 2010. He locked the door, and didn’t respond to the request for a rematch. His friends grew worried. Fifteen minutes later the police used a battering ram to break into the bathroom, only to find Timberland leisurely reading Home & Garden and listening to John Denver on his Beats By Dre headphones. (*Complete bullshit.)
According to Forbes magazine, Timothy “Timberland” Mosley made $14 million last year, the eighth highest earner in hip-hop, without his watch from Jacob the Jeweler he drops all the way down to tenth. I guess that would be reason to get upset. According to the ever-reliable TMZ, Timberland was upset because he felt someone from his inner circle must have stolen the watch. A $2 million betrayal is definitely something to be upset about, but it should be met with a little street justice, not an emo car ride while listening to Dashboard Confessional.
It’s interesting that Timberland immediately skips over the mere notion that this could have been a professional heist spearheaded by Danny Ocean, Francois Toulour, Thomas Crown, or Robert MacDougal. This is quite foolish because as blockbuster films clearly demonstrate: all high profile thefts are done by George Clooney, Vincent Cassel, Pierce Brosnan, and Sean Connery.
I’d like to send a sincere thank you to the Los Angeles Sherif’s Department for confirming the belief that famous people are always more important in the eyes of the law.
If I ever lose a Casio DBC150 Databank watch on a Malibu beach and go for a drive in a Ford Focus to blow off some steam, it better look like a “Magnum P.I.”-style manhunt for me on the Pacific Coast Highway.
August 26, 2010 at 2:54 pm, Shaun Ngwenya said:
This was just another publicity stunt!!!! Nxa!
August 26, 2010 at 4:48 pm, Mocha said:
OMG!! This is by far thee most funniest piece of literature I've read in a looooong time. Thanks for the laugh!!
August 27, 2010 at 3:43 am, Lainie Willow said:
LMAO good one.. I loved your last statement!
August 28, 2010 at 6:37 am, Shelon Jackson said:
OK REALLY GIVE ME A F@#$%^ BREAK….!