College bans energy drinks because they can lead to ‘high-risk’ sex

Middlebury College in Vermont is clamping down on the insidious and pervasive problem of college kids buying energy drinks so that they can bone, and it’s about damn time if you ask me.

The college’s Community Council, a board consisting of members of the faculty and staff as well as twelve students, recently approved a ban of campus sales of energy drinks. It seems people were concerned that the consumption of energy drinks could lead to “problematic behavior,” which in this case is less about microagressions and more about drinking too much booze and engaging in “high-risk sexual activity.”

According to NBC News, “The college also links these drinks with increasing likelihood that students will drive drunk and use other “intoxicating” substances,” and at this point it just sounds like they think energy drinks are alcohol. It’s been a few years since I graduated from college, but I don’t think anyone has ever been on the verge of having some “high-risk” sex but then decided against it because they didn’t down a Red Bull at any point.

What exactly do they mean by “high-risk” sex, by the way? Is that just a weird way of saying unprotected sex, a thing that energy drinks have absolutely no connection to? Or are they afraid kids are going to drink a bunch of Five Hour Energies and start doing weird acrobatic shit they can’t handle?

The college also claims they banned the sale of energy drinks for health reasons, with executive director of dining hall services Dan Detora saying “I see it as the equivalent of banning cigarettes.” It’s not exactly the same though, because cigarettes pose a danger to people who aren’t even using them, whereas secondhand caffeine-induced liver and heart damage isn’t really a thing.

In any case, now kids who want that sweet caffeine fix will have to go to the nearest off-campus convenience store or just drink the coffee that is sold in the Middlebury College’s dining halls and campus stores. Just be careful when having all that sex, kids.

[NBC News | Photo: Getty]