25 things you don’t know about Hillary Clinton

In advance of New York’s primary Tuesday, Us Weekly published a listicle on your pal Chillary titled “Hillary Clinton: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” containing such choice tidbits as “I put hot sauce on everything,” “I can’t carry a tune for the life of me,” and did you know she “was a United States senator from New York when 9/11 happened”?

As informative as this work of journalism was, I can’t help thinking they left out a few things that might paint a more complete picture of this political gal. As everyone knows, it’s important to make as informed a decision as possible when you check that box or pull that lever. To that end, I bring you: 25 fun factoids you maybe didn’t know about Hillary “Lady Inevitable” Clinton.

1. Her first date with Bill involved crossing a picket line.

2. Her state department went out and sold fracking around the world, with heavy personal involvement from Mrs. Clinton.

3. By all objective measures, she is worse situated than Bernie Sanders to defeat the Republican nominee come November.

4. She baldly lied about her state department’s role in the illegal and unconstitutional 2009 Honduras coup.

5. She has openly defended the practice of using U.S. military power to advance our economic interests around the world and consistently argues for the right of the U.S. to go into other countries and practice “regime change,” with disastrous results in Iraq, Libya, and countless other places.

6. The Clinton Foundation accepted millions of dollars in donations from foreign governments while she was Secretary of State.

7. The Clinton Foundation serves mainly to make the Clintons and their donors look virtuous while discouraging the global poor from banding together and demanding their rights collectively. (Seriously, if there’s any link in this post you click on, make it this one.)

8. She sat on the board of Walmart from 1986 to 1992 and “remained silent as the world’s largest retailer waged a major campaign against labor unions seeking to represent store workers.”

9. She took $225,000 from Verizon, then attempted to piggyback off Sanders’ endorsement from CWA members striking against said company. Here’s a fun video of her campaign manager dodging questions about it.

10. She’s made gun control a key issue of hers this time around, but in 2008, she went after her opponent Barack Obama for being insufficiently supportive of people’s Second Amendment rights.

11. She continues to stand by an alleged rapist and confirmed sexual harasser and played a part in silencing and discrediting Bill’s accusers via the awesomely named “nuts and sluts” strategy.

12. She has repeatedly pushed for free trade agreements that enable capitalist pigs to ship jobs overseas and hide their wealth in offshore accounts.

13. She is currently under FBI investigation for doing state business on a private email server.

14. She refuses to release the transcripts of her well-compensated speeches to Goldman Sachs on the absurd grounds that the Republicans need to do it first. However, sources say they were incredibly pro-Wall Street at a time when Wall Street had just wrecked our economy.

15. She routinely conducts her fundraising business behind closed doors at high priced events and responds with hostility when the press tries to figure out what’s going on.

16. She supports the death penalty, even with the knowledge that a number of innocent people are bound to be executed.

17. She opposes the decriminalization of sex work, despite evidence that that’s the best way to protect the human rights of sex workers in the U.S. and around the world.

18. She probably killed Sticker Kid.

19. Wall Street loves her even more than they love Jeb Bush.

20. Her official taste in music is fucking atrocious.

21. Her highly militarized efforts to rebuild Haiti after the earthquake did more harm than good, and she actively fought against increasing the minimum wage for factory workers there to $5/day.

22. She successfully played the victim in the Benghazi hearings, despite the fact that people literally died in the 2012 attack as a result of her department’s security lapses.

23. She insults feminists everywhere by continually pretending that all critiques of her are sexist or otherwise bad faith critiques. She thinks you can “absolutely” be a feminist while believing women should not have legal autonomy over their own bodies.

24. She makes ham-fisted efforts to pander to African-American voters, while simultaneously talking down to Black Lives Matter protesters concerned about the harm Clintonian policies have done to their communities. She has accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars in bundled donations from private prison lobbyists.

25. She tries to distract people from the issues with stupid bullshit like who is better at riding the subway when she can’t even ride the subway herself.

[Photo: Getty]