In case you were still wondering, yes, they’re real, and we’re going to make them our friends.

Today, September 27, 2010 marks the day we finally acknowledge aliens. That’s right. UFOs. An Air Force Captain, Robert Salas, and his colleagues held a press conference in Washington D.C. today to bravely testify their experiences with aliens.

The space cowboys confronted the Air Force saying they muddled the details of their UFO encounters and made ludicrous assumptions that their findings weren’t aliens, but rather some scientific stuff about temperature patterns and other environmental factors. Pfft, how stupid.

Captain Salas states, “I was on duty (March 16, 1967) when an object came over and hovered directly over the site. The missiles shut down – ten Minuteman (nuclear) missiles. And the same thing happened at another site a week later. There’s a strong interest in our missiles by these objects, wherever they come from. I personally think they’re not from planet Earth.”

Captain Salas makes many claims that the aliens have hovered both over the US and England deactivating weapons and sometimes landing on bases. Several of his other colleagues claim seeing similar things, and they all agree that the military is hiding it.

Look, I know, I also thought about how rude it was that the government hid something like this from us; I’d like to know the proper protocol for when an alien hovers over my house deactivating my microwave and impregnating my cat.

But alas, don’t worry everyone, the UN has taken preventive measures to assure the UFOs don’t fuck around. They hired Mazlan Othman, a 58-year-old Malaysian astrophysicist and E.T.’s distant cousin, to be the head of the UN’s extraterrestrial communication for the inevitable day when aliens want to make contact with the US government, because who doesn’t?

Professor Richard Crowther, head of England’s delegation to the UN committee said of Othman, “[Ms] Othman is absolutely the nearest thing we have to a ‘take me to your leader’ person.” And thank God because according to Stephen Hawking, when the UFOs do come they’re not going to be as nice as we think:

“I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach.”

America is an immigrant’s land, so naturally we will wholeheartedly accept our alien kinship, greet them kindly with a big blow job from Mazlan Othman and give them jobs in construction and fruit picking earning below minimum wage. Man, they are so lucky we’re onto them.