Songs That Suck
In honor of Vampire Day, we’ve put together a playlist of songs that suck. Don’t fault us for subjectivity. Remember songwriters, just because you wrote something you think is great doesn’t mean you actually have to play it in front of people. Check out the horror after the jump.
Death Cab For Cutie
“Meet Me On The Equinox”
It Sucks: How much longer are they going to keep up this white-boy rhythm junk? Why does Ben Gibbard sing so softly? He’s a man. What’s up with the little baby whispers? Stephen
Cobra Starship
“Good Girls Go Bad”
It Sucks: At the very least, it’s a bizarre portal into what a bunch of Jewish kids think black people do at clubs. Stephen
The B-52s
“Love Shack”
It Sucks: There are some songs that just make you feel nauseated–”Love Shack” is one of those songs. Lyrics and overall sound mingle to create a listening experience akin to being trapped in a mob of drunken toddlers. Brenna
Katrina & The Waves
“Walking on Sunshine”
It Sucks: If you were on a sports team as a child, parents and coaches inevitably made video montages that they played at end-of-the-year banquets. This song inevitably scored each and every one of these montages. Were any of you good at sports? That’s what I thought. Brenna
Green Day
“Boulevard of Broken Dreams”
It Sucks: I’ll admit that I shed a tear for Americans every time this melodramatic whimper slithers onto my FM radio. Sure, Billie Jo practically fed and reared me as a growing teenager, but “Boulevard” comes across like it was written by three 10-year-olds who fooled around with the already played-out “Wonderwall.” BJ, you should’ve known better. Gray
Billy Joel
“New York State of Mind”
It Sucks: A year ago, I had no idea what a New York State of Mind really is. But Billy Joel enlightened me. He enlightened me through every giggled pun uttered by witty tourists that clog the street corners of Broadway and make me late to class. He enlightened me through many a targeted subway advertisement for cheap beer or language classes or the world’s most realistic plastic Christmas tree (yes, all of those can be related to a state of mind). And he enlightened me every fifteen minutes on the classic rock radio at my weekend job until I lost it and said, “Fuck you, Billy Joel!” and started bringing in my Blink-182 CDs from sophomore year of high school because yes, they are better than this song. Amelia
Say Anything
“Alive With the Glory of Love”
It Sucks: [To the tune of the song] Max Bemis—When I hear you, wanna punch you, right where you’re standing…yeeeeeah! Right in your whiny face, on any day, in everyone’s view, oh yeah! For these crappy lyrics that you write much, I can’t ignore them, yeah! You’re awful, baby, your songs are
shitty, I won’t buy your albums…Oh, no no…. [The real lyrics: When I watch you, wanna do you, right where you're standing…yeah. Right on the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view…oh, yeah…. Of the whole ghetto, the boot-stomped meadows, but we ignore that, yeah. You're lovely, baby. This war is crazy, I won't let you down…oh, no no….] Amelia
Nickelback
All the songs. All of them.
It Sucks: When I was seventeen, I witnessed a terrible thing. My friends in high school and I started compiling a list of super cool class songs for our graduation. No, Green Day, we did NOT include “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” like the last seventeen classes before ours. We were original! So we narrowed it down to “Bohemian Rhapsody” and the theme song to The Flintstones—which many people, including my mother, said they’d pay me fifty dollars to play on the piano instead of “Pomp and Circumstance” when everyone was walking off the stage (I didn’t, because I wanted to get my
diploma and get the hell out of there). But instead of Queen playing over the loudspeakers on the auspicious day in question, we heard….NICKELBACK?! Are you fucking serious? You’re going down, Nickelback—no one defeats Freddie Mercury and gets away with it. Amelia
Creedence Clearwater Revival
“Down on the Corner”
It Sucks: I’ve always thought this song sucked. I mean, I have no problem with simple riffs played in unison as long as they’re cool, like “Norwegian Wood,” but this one is so goofy it just sounds like they weren’t even trying. It’s also always bugged me that on this song Creedence sounds like they’re trying so hard to come off as dirty hillbillies. No one smart enough to write songs like “The Rain” and “Fortunate Son” can convincingly play a dirty hillbilly in my book. Alex
Grizzly Bear
“The Knife”
It Sucks: OK, we know — everybody loves Grizzly Bear. And this song might not necessarily suck, but it’s definitely overrated. Is it shoegaze? Is it the Beach Boys but lazier? Were they trying to ape all those backup “oohs” and “ahhs” in Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl”? We can’t tell. And why does it go on for a minute and a half after the song actually ends? Couldn’t they have just put all that crap on a hidden track or something? This makes it an impossible song to work into a mix, unless you end with it. And what a boring way to end a mix! Alex
