Orrin Hatch’s priorities for Trump’s attorney general pick: porn, cussing on TV

Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, President-elect Trump’s pick for attorney general, was questioned by fellow members of congress Tuesday during his confirmation hearing. During his opening statement, Sessions addressed his intention to act as an advocate for the nation’s law enforcement community, who he said had been “unfairly maligned and blamed for the actions of a few bad actors” and that law and order would be restored under his tenure, as “it is a fundamental civil right to be safe in your home and your community.” (Ed. note: Not actually a civil right.)

During the hearing, Sessions found a big fan in Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, who is 82 years old and Mormon as hell. It might have something to do with the fact that Sessions and Hatch are apparently the same person.

In an age where police shootings of unarmed black men are endemic and voting rights are being curbed, first and foremost — seriously, he brought this up before anything else — Hatch wanted to ensure Sessions would divert Justice Department resources to tackling the very serious problems of internet porn and cussing on TV.

“Is it still your view that federal laws preventing obscenity should be vigorously enhanced?” Hatch asked.

“Mr. Chairman those laws are clear,” Sessions replied. “And they are being prosecuted today and should continue to be effectively and vigorously prosecuted in the cases that are appropriate.”

“In making this a priority for the Justice Department, would you consider reestablishing a specific unit dedicated to prosecuting this category of crime?” Hatch asked.

“… I would consider that,” Sessions said.

Hatch then followed up with a question about online data privacy and security, because he doesn’t want anyone to know what he spanks his 82-year-old noodle to.