Chinese company blows chance to let people menstruate on Ivanka’s stupid face
Greetings, menstruating humans — who are mostly, but by no means all, women.
Would you like a chance to bleed hot vagina blood directly into Ivanka Trump’s cold, dead eyes? Well, you’ll have to wait a little longer, because a Chinese company just totally blew its chance to fill this gaping hole in the market.
According to The Washington Post, Chinese cosmetic surgery company Foshan Bainuo Sanitary Products has applied for the chance to put the word “Yiwanka” on a line of women’s products including underwear, incontinence pads, and sanitary napkins. But rather than let you menstruate all over the American first daughter’s stupid face, the brand just wants to trade on her name, or something roughly approximating it, because she’s the perfect woman, or something.
“I first saw her giving a speech on television to support her father’s election,” company founder and noted foolish man Li Jun told The Washington Post. “I was captivated by her incomparable disposition and air, even the way she tucked her hair behind her ear. Her speech was full of elegance and charisma…I think her name will be very helpful for the publicity of our brand and products, because I believe she is a very positive role model for all women.”
Um, Mr. Dum Dum? You know what would be really positive for women? The opportunity to seep juevos vageros down the upturned nose of the scion to our evil empire.
While The Washington Post reporter did not even ask about this glaring oversight, I’m hopeful this story and the aggregations thereof will prompt some plucky entrepreneur to swoop in and make my — nay, our — dream a glorious reality. Are you listening, Thinx founder and She-E-O Miki Agrawal? If you don’t make this happen for us, you’re letting down period-havers everywhere, not to mention leaving millions of dollars on the table.