Trump’s 100 days of failure

To call the first 100 days of Donald Trump’s administration a train wreck would be an insult to train wrecks. There were the constant leaks from the White House, painting the picture of a chaotic, paranoid, confederacy of dunces full of hate and ineptitude, constantly kneecapping and calling each other “cucks,” rumors of the president wanting to fire pretty much everyone who worked for him, and typo-ridden tweets from the insecure man himself, ranging from everything to the press being the enemy of the American people, blaming the courts for a terrorist attack that hasn’t happened yet, and Obama’s fictitious wiretapping of Trump Tower.

It would all be comically stupid if it weren’t so tragic. Almost every day was misery for the infant president. Inauguration Day, his joint address to Congress, and the bombing of Syria were his happiest moments. He did watch a lot of cable news and play a fuck-ton of golf and get Neil Gorsuch confirmed to the Supreme Court. So there were some solid wins, but Trump’s greatest and most unequivocal success so far has been to make normal people think like conspiracy theorists.

Trump embarrassed himself in front of foreign leaders, gave possibly the most nutso presidential news conference since Nixon, claimed he “inherited a mess,” wandered around the White House alone in a bathrobe, then denied owning a bathrobe, allowed “SNL” to troll him every week, made up nonexistent massacres, discovered Frederick Douglass, bitched out of the White House Correspondents Dinner, repeated his own batshit voter fraud allegations, claimed Susan Rice broke the law, got into frequent tussles with the wind, and exhibited more signs of dementia.

Trump was reduced from a image of dominating, male virility to a schmohawk of angry, impotent bitchiness. He signed so many bogus, dumb ass executive orders he actually forgot to go through with a signing ceremony for one of them. And there was the embarrassment of not being able to pass a repeal of Obamacare through the House. Trump was literally playing with trucks while the House Freedom Caucus was cutting his balls off. Not that it would have made it through the Senate anyway, but come on, man. Republicans passed how many repeal attempts while Obama was president, and Trump can’t even get one out of the House? What a fucking panty waster. By March, Trump was an isolated weirdo with few friends, no credibility, and even less prospects. To have the biggest Republican majorities in a century and then to do nothing with them seems like the greatest and most appropriate legacy for President Trump. It took no time at all for Trump’s approval rating to slip to the upper 30s.

Trump got a Navy SEAL, an eight-year-old American girl, and a bunch of Muslim women and children killed his first week in office and tried to blame it on Obama. He then followed it up with indiscriminate bombings in Iraq and Syria. That’ll make his supporters happy. He also, along with his feckless, fatigued Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, started pushing for nuclear war with North Korea, Iran, and Syria because nothing gets the olds wet like the potential for killing poors in Asia and the Middle East. Hence the dropping of the “Mother of All Bombs” on Afghanistan. One hundred days in and people are already furiously googling “World War III.”

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The investigation into the Russia affair has swallowed the administration whole. Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, Carter Page, Devin Nunes, Jeff Sessions, Jared Kushner — the probe has to oversee so many characters and moving parts that it’s hard to keep them all straight. Even Blackwater founder Erik Prince made a cameo in this thing. With Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ recusal from the Justice Department investigation for his undisclosed Russian contacts and perjury during his own confirmation hearing and already-disgraced former national security adviser Michael Flynn resigning for having contacts with Russia, to finally Flynn himself seeking immunity for god only knows what, it looks like the Trump administration is a castle made of sand.

Maybe it’s like Mark Cuban says and Trump is just an idiot who had no knowledge of the preponderance of evidence that suggests his campaign was infiltrated and coordinating with Russia. He just might be one of those people who tiptoes between raindrops. He could saunter into the horizon without consequences or a second thought given to the personal mayhem he caused the country. But it sure as shit isn’t starting out that way. Treason is in the air. You can feel it. It looks like a massive twisted metal fire and blood disaster of human dignity and ragged emotions. The opposite of the Obama administration. Nearly 100 days in and the public is having trouble pointing to one thing Trump has actually doneThe only way to deal with this guy is to mercilessly make fun of him. I mean, he’s afraid to walk down stairs for christ sake! Steve Bannon is his sweet dick daddy, and his Press Secretary swallows gum and keeps tweeting his own password. Come on, guys!

Trump, Bannon, and the rest of the cartel claim that Obama stacked the deck and made sure that the “deep state” within the American government was there to ratfuck the new president, and is behind the continuing protests. While Trump’s failure would be another Obama victory, all four investigations spread out across the House, Senate, FBI, and GAO have little to do with the former president. Within two months, Trump went from saying he “loves” Obama to claiming he’s behind the leaks and obstruction of the administration Trump himself failed to staff or staffed poorly. Obama Derangement Syndrome has warped into Trump Mania. And that’s all before Obama makes his return to public life this week.

It offers the greatest view yet into the forces that control America in 2017. Trump and Obama and two larger than life American icons holding sway over the nation’s heart. It only makes sense that they continue warring. One was cool and collected, and the other is a nervous wreck. I don’t know how a guy who insisted on seeing Obama’s birth certificate doesn’t have to show his tax returns, especially in light of all of his connections to a foreign power, but ok.

Obama has a pretty great track record with taking out assholes, and if he were actually running a shadow government bent on taking Trump down, there might be cause for alarm. But he’s not. Obama could give a shit. He’s too busy beach jumping from the Caribbean to French Polynesia, hanging on yachts with Tom Hanks and Oprah, randomly showing up in New York and D.C. and being spotted like a vigilante comic book hero. The Batman of the American presidency.

And Trump’s now learning what Obama did. That you can scream for two years about exactly what you want to do, the people will elect you to do those things, then as soon as you start, they’ll begin to hate you for it. It’s a country of beggars living under the mistaken impression that they’re choosers. But the many Russia investigations feel like a low-boil coup. Like this is the beginning of something. A generation-defining constitutional crisis. This must have been what it felt like in the ’60s and during the Nixon impeachment. A disjointed loathing coupled with heart-chilling restlessness and a loss of innocence. A constant national delirium. It’s a beautiful disaster. You can’t make this shit up. You just have to sit back and enjoy the show.

What a time to be alive. We’re watching the slow-motion public suicide and destruction of a man who couldn’t deserve it more. He’s already divorcing Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, Bannon, Vladimir Putin, and the hapless idiot trolls who thought he was different from all the rest of the Republicans. But he’ll still throw himself a big rally on the 100th day. For what? No one knows.

He’s the usurper-in-chief.  A false prophet of the fuck boy masses. President Asterisk. A fake person with a real job. We shouldn’t even capitalize his name anymore. Politics is a meat grinder of embarrassment with no guarantee of a happy ending. Trump’s slowly learning that. Trump thought that the presidency could be his greatest reward, and it is, but because his intentions were tainted, just like his life, it has already turned into a curse. It has transformed him from a joke into a stain. A 21st century Jimmy Carter. A historical disgrace. A laughing stock. An embarrassment. A timeless monument to impotence.

This man and his madness will bend the country to the breaking point. This is only the beginning of a national tragedy. It’s so complicated, so dysfunctional. But even on the most embarrassing and demoralizing of days, when the Russian stooge, bumbling his way into a World War, causes another soul-crushing bout of hopelessness, there’s still no place in history I’d rather be. You just can’t wait to see how it all shakes out, or we could all die in nuclear winter.

Still, after all this, America and, yes, even President Trump can bounce back. All administrations have the ability to do it, but it ain’t looking good for this one. I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump fires a couple people right after the 100-day mark. Liberals will keep freaking out over every little thing he does, but they and the new boy-king may do well to listen to what former President Obama said to his kids after the 2016 election loss, that “the only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world.”

[photos: AP]

Tags: 100 days, trump