Four Loko: College’s New Dangerous Drunken Nectar

Being two years out of college I’m starting to worry that I’ve lost touch with the rebellious, debaucherous, cacophonous world I used to love so dearly.

Every day that passes when I put on my non-existent suit, tie my non-existent tie, trek to my non-existent job, and collect my non-existent paycheck; I wonder, what are those crazy kids back in college doing?

I think about the extremely uncreative drinking games they’re probably concocting, the terrible food they’re eating and witty insults and rumors they’re spreading and I can’t help but release an envious sigh.

However I’m beginning to feel extremely out of touch when I need to rely on the “New York Daily News” to tell me what the cool kids are binge drinking now-a-days.

Back when I was young (a year and half ago) it was the simple devilish combination of 10-15 shots and 20 beers that would probably earn you a hospital visit. Now there is Four Loko, college’s premiere alcoholic energy drink.

Before last week I’d never heard of Four Loko (who knows I might have, I could have even tried it, there really is no telling with my memory these days). Now, news has been surfacing around the country about record numbers of alcohol-related incidences due to over-consumption of the fruity, carbonated, alcoholic drink.

This may have to do with the fact each can is 23.5 ounces and contains a disastrously high alcohol content of 12 percent. Ramapo College in Northern New Jersey has banned the alcoholic drink from their campus due to 23 students coming down with college’s common cold, alcohol poisoning, due in part to Four Loko.

Before anyone jumps on the “well, it is New Jersey” bandwagon, I’d like to point out the the entire state of Washington is looking to follow Ramapo’s example. Washington’s Attorney General, Rob McKenna, is calling for a statewide ban of the drink and pushing for a national end to the sale of alcoholic energy drinks.

“It’s time to bring an end to the sale of alcoholic energy drinks… They’re marketed to kids by using fruit flavors that mask the taste of alcohol, and they have such high levels of stimulants that people have no idea how inebriated they really are.”

This is where things get tricky. How can McKenna and Ramapo College be taken seriously with these bans, when their whole argument is fundamentally hypocritical?

Ramapo College is banning the drink because the combination of caffeine and alcohol tricks the drinker into not realizing how inebriated he or she is until the caffeine wears off and the user feels the full effects of the alcohol. They claim that the alcohol content is too high—but then why is there no ban on hard liquor, that can range from 40 to 50 percent? And what is to stop a college student from drinking a combination of Red Bull and vodka, or a truck load of rum and cokes? How about drinking a bunch of irish coffees? And who the hell knows what a 6-hour energy actually does to you when you have one before a night of heavy drinking.

All of these drinks contain the dangerous combination of caffeine and alcohol. The secret to a successful, hospital-free, night of drinking is, of course, moderation. Everyone college student knows that, and when someone drinks five Four Lokos in an hour, they know what the result is likely to be.

By the way Mr. McKenna, what do you call raspberry, peach, pear, cintron, mandrin, and mango? Fruit flavors perhaps? Well, they also happen to be a few flavors of Absolut Vodka. The kind that masks the harsh taste of vodka with fruity flavoring.

As for marketing the drink to children, I’ve never seen an advertisement for the beverage and I spend 90 percent of my time watching TV or on the internet.

No legislation is going to stop college students from blacking out and dangerously testing their bodies’ limits with alcohol—without Four Loko, they’ll just try harder. So go ahead Attorney General McKenna, ban the drink, ban alcoholic energy drinks altogether. All you’re doing is putting 190 proof Everclear back in the jungle juice.