The Marines Corps birthday is today, marking the elite military organization as older than the United States itself. Their 235th birthday could also be known as “Free Shit for Marines Day.” For your bravery, America presents you with a bounty of fried onion blossoms and fountain soda.
One notable issue that is sure to put a damper on the USMC birthday celebration is the fact that the Marines make up 11% of the armed forces but 23% of Americans killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Clearly the numbers are not in their favor. They have historically been the first troops into conflict and the last ones out. And it’s no coincidence that basically every epic American war movie is about the Marines.
Worse yet, the majority of conflicts US Marines have died in you probably haven’t heard of. Like, did you know 13 members of the 3rd battallion 5th marines have died since October in the Sangin area of northeastern Helmand province of Afghanistan?
I will no longer be envious of all the freebees servicemen get on the Marine Corps birthday. And on this glorious day of military prowess, here’s all of the stuff that the Marines have died for to earn as free:
Free Meal at Golden Corral Family Restaurant
Did you know that they put added carbonation in their fountain drinks so customers will eat less? Apparently we can be cheap but still love America.
A Choice from Six Entrees at Applebee’s.
Complete with American flag toothpicks in all club sandwiches. Semper Fi, baby!
Free Fee Day at More Than 100 National Parks.
I hear nothing settles the nerves of a P.T.S.D. patient like a day spent outdoors!
Free Bloomin’ Onion and Beverage of Choice Courtesy of Outback Steakhouse.
The Bloomin’ Onion is the most explosive-looking appetizer, enjoy the warfare flashbacks.
Free Admission to Knott’s Theme Park.
This is by far the best freebee. It is absolutely impossible to frown on a roller coaster.
And as always, free booze at most bars, because there’s no more efficient way to bury 235 years of bad memories then drinking heavily.
Is this what it’s like?