If you haven’t heard, parents and politicians are universally blaming Four Loko for the destructive alcoholism of America’s youth.
The U.S. Government has officially banned drinks that contain the dangerous
ly awesome combination of alcohol and caffeine. Four Loko will soon have to conform to a society of drinkers with an embarrassingly low tolerance, and remove the caffeine from their drink. The result will most likely be the same disgusting alcoholic beverage, without the fun or waking up in your neighbors lawn wearing a thong.
The new ban of caffeine-aided booze is sure to upset the collegiate and homeless communities. However there are more pressing issues that our government should be concerned about instead of taking away something that makes us happy — like alcohol. They’re turning a blind eye to other, more lethal, combos.
Five Lethal Combos That Should Have Been Banned Long Before Four Loko
The consensus on fast food is that it’s delicious, yet unfortunately bad for you, especially if whatever you’re eating involves the prefix Mc-. The world leader in cardiac arrests has recently re-released the McRib, tossing its name in with KFC’s Double Down for the title of “Most American Sandwich.” The idea of re-releasing a sandwich, rather than, say, a classic album is needless to say hilarious. But dare to combine the McRib with the McFlurry and you’re risking life-ending dysentery (diarrhea… pooping a lot).
Soda is a delicious addition to any meal, and it’s also an excellent source of sugar, caffeine, and sodium. You know — the good stuff. Granted, it might have provided a bit more energy when cocaine was an ingredient, but I think we can all agree — the bubbles rock. Over time myths have developed about the deadly combination of Pop Rocks and soda. I’m here to tell you those rumors are absolutely true. I lost a nephew to Pop Rocks and soda. DON’T DO IT. Don’t get me started on soda and Mentos, Pop Rocks tastier cousin. The fresh maker converts two liter bottles of Diet Coke into weapons of mass destruction.
The Westerns film genre is one of the most revered in cinematic history. Children grow up playing cowboys chasing their savage Indian friends with cap guns. Forward thinking females dress like a slutty Pocahontas on Halloween and sleep with anyone that calls themselves John Smith. Other morally loose girls dress as cowgirls, just for the hell of it, on nice summer days.
The Wild Wild West plays an enormously important role in our country’s history. The future is our final frontier, where we play checkers with aliens on mars and hoverboards are a common form of transportation. But for some reason the two just don’t mix. Lets consider Will Smith as Jim West, the despardo, in “Wild Wild West,” a movie best known for being terrible. What how about “Back to the Future III”? One of the most beloved franchises ever takes on the Wild West, and becomes the most hated in the trilogy. The promising “Cowboys and Aliens” has chance to change this, but if the flux capacitor failed I don’t know what could succeed.
There is something about the thug life and a party of elephants that just doesn’t mix, like Sallie Mae and sympathy. Ask Kanye West what he thinks about Republicans and in return you’ll probably receive a rant about how they are plotting to send us to concentration camps on the moon veiled as a vacation to meet “dat dude livin’ up ther.” But I’m pretty sure he also thinks Salvation Army Santas are CIA agents out to steal his soul.
If Republicans were bigger fans of weed and assault rifles, T.I. may not be in jail right now. Do you know any rappers that voted for McCain? On the other hand rappers and democrats mix smoother than Hennessey and Hypnotic. Barack is bumping Jay-Z in the Escalade and Bill Clinton recognizes Lil’ Wayne’s talent. We all know Ballin’ Bill lives the rap lifestyle, because unlike Jay-Z we know where his cigar’s been.
This Thanksgiving the uproar surrounding the holiday season involves national security’s new countermeasure against terrorism. Body scanners are being installed in airports across the country and they are much more effective than free x-ray glasses in comic books. The American public is all up in arms about TSA agents seeing and fondling their goods. Seriously America, just lose weight, tone those abs, tighten those butts, and, most importantly, grow nicer boobs and bigger dicks. Honestly, low self esteem is so unattractive. In fact it’s almost as big of a turnoff as being unattractive — almost. These machines are designed to protect our country, who cares if it may or may not violate our constitutional rights. It’s better than some chick’s breast implants taking down your 767.