South Korea: North Korea is Going to Bomb Us

The South Koreans are scared of their neighbors to the North, mainly because they are scary.

I learned many things while reading George W. Bush’s “Decision Points,” especially about North Korea.

Bush hates North Korea because he loves freedom. In the book, he recounts a story of how an aide showed him a map of Korea at night. The South, especially Seoul, was brightly lit, whereas North Korea was pitch black. Because of malnutrition, North Koreans are, on average, three inches shorter than their Southern counterparts. The North Korean government has a news agency, and some of the news North Koreans hear about is how Kim Jong-il has scored several world-renowned operas, or about the time he scored six(!) hole-in-ones in his first-ever game of golf.

The official government-news message to the North Koreans: “war is mounting.” Whenever we hear that in the United States it usually happens, like when Bush appeared in front of the U.N. assembly letting the I-think-we-can-all-agree neat but useless institution know he was going to remove Saddam Hussein with or without their approval.

When Korean conflicts flare up, the world watches with bated breath for two reasons: a) communism could finally fall in the North, uniting Korea or b) the end of the world is upon us.

As an American citizen, you’re routinely blasted with information designed to make you hate the Chinese. They manipulate their currency. They violate human rights like gangbusters. Their factories shamefully leak photos of Apple products. And, pressingly, they are North Korea’s lone supporter. If the bombs really start falling, which way would the China go?

What separates the U.S. from China? There’s the Arabian sea, which is why U.S. military bases pepper the horn of Africa. Eastward from the Mediterranean, there are a few nations you may have heard of, separating us: Syria, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan. There’s not a whole lot of love between the U.S. and China, literally, figuratively and geographically.

I recently joked that Americans always overreact when North Korea attacks anyone. As the multitude of commenters suggested I would, here’s to not eating my words.