Top 10 Least Anticipated Films of 2011
Looking for a really terrible 2011 movie to cleanse your palate of all this year’s critically acclaimed dramas? Your search is over.
This is the time of year when we are bombarded with best-of lists—from the best movies, books, cute animal pictures, music to Sarah Palin quotes. These lists are exciting at first, until you quickly realize that you’re reading the same shit over and over. And you notice you really don’t give a shit that “Toy Story 3″ was Quentin Tarantino’s favorite film of 2010. Maybe you actually liked “Sex and the City 2″ — I mean hope I hope you didn’t, because from what I hear it really sucked — and you don’t want snobby critics telling you otherwise.
Well, that’s exactly why I’m not bludgeoning you once again with the best films of 2010. Instead, based on nothing more than a few trailers, pre-production photographs and sentence-long summaries, I’m compiling a preemptive round-up of what will be the worst films of 2011. Which is totally less pretentious.
“Season of the Witch”
A “worst of” list must either start or finish with the thespian stylings of Nic Cage — it’s a firm rule. In this future cinematic masterpiece, Cage stars as a 14th century knight who helps transport a witch to a monastery where the monks blame said witch for creating the black plague. Cage’s magical ability to choose terrifically bad movie projects over the past few years has been well documented, and I’m happy to say it looks like he’s starting 2011 on the right foot.
“Just Go with It”
Adam Sandler is not an attractive man. However in every film he’s stared in, his character has some innate ability to attract women, or a physically incongruous spouse. Here are some of his past on-screen mates or sexual interests: Salma Hayek, Jessica Biel, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kate Beckinsale, Paz Vega, Bridgette Wilson, Julie Bowen, Drew Barrymore (2x), Marisa Tomei and Winona Ryder. Well I guess Sandler, like a fine Manischewitz wine, just gets better with age. Because in “Just Go with It” the plot revolves around a love triangle that includes Brooklyn Decker and Jennifer Aniston. Yep, that’s totally believable.
The world apparently wasn’t ready for the first “Fast and the Furious” movie, so they made four more. Paul Walker returns to prove that he truly doesn’t know how to act, and Vin Diesel is just happy to get paid this year. Dwayne “The Tooth Fairy” Johnson makes his debut in the 5th segment of the Fast and the Furious saga — not that anyone cares.
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon”
Revenge of the Fallen was one of the most critically panned films of 2009. Even superstar director Michael Bay admits his film simply wasn’t very good. So instead of moving in a different explosion-filled direction, he decided to simply make another sequel. I simply can’t fathom what else Bay can do with this franchise. How many good versus evil automobile fights can his brilliant mind think up? Needless to say I will not be finding out this summer — I’m very anti-robotic violence, they have feelings too.
“No Strings Attached/ Friends with Benefits”
I’m not a hater of romantic comedies, I’m simply a believer that Hollywood has simply forgotten how to make a good one, and these movies are perfect examples. The two stars of “Black Swan,” Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, respectively appear in their own separate romcoms with unbelievably similar plot lines. Boy and girl are long time friends. Boy and girl aren’t having their needs met below the belt. Boy and girl begin strictly sexual, uncommitted relationships, which lead to jealousy and eventually love. The male leads include awful romcom veteran Ashton Kutchar, and Justin Timberlake of “Yogi Bear” fame.
“Johnny English Reborn”
Does anyone remember the original “Johnny English”? It’s the one where Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean*) plays a hapless secret agent and hilarity ensues. Well, they’re making another.
*Unnecessary and potentially embarrassing confession: I really enjoy the old Mr. Bean TV show.
“A couple is haunted by a supernatural presence that is released during a college experiment.” Starring Ashley Green (attractive female from ‘Twilight’ who is dating a Jonas brother), Tom Felton (notoriously pale Draco Malfoy from ‘Harry Potter’), and Sabastian Stan (one of the many amazing actors from ‘Gossip Girl’). Now, the three leads may have all played second fiddle in their respective franchises, but you never know, maybe their minimal name recognition will draw huge box office crowds.
“Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots” is being adapted into a major motion picture. Imagine a time in the near future when Hugh Jackman trains robots to compete in boxing matches instead of humans. The plot on IMDB states that Jackman “thinks he found a champion in a discarded robot.” It sounds like futuristic cockfighting, but a lot more politically correct, because robots apparently don’t have feelings.
“Red Riding Hood”
The original “Twilight” director, Catherine Hardwicke, takes on her first post-“Twilight” film, but she can’t seem to escape romantic love triangles that involve werewolves. This time Amanda Seyfried plays the conflicted object of multiple male suitors. However there seems to be no emo vampires to battle for her affection, only pesky ordinary humans. Boring.
Dishonorable Mentions: “The Zookeeper,” “One for the Money,” “Spy Kids 4,” “Final Destination 5,” “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never,” “Pirates: On Stranger Tides.”